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Rejected Magic Psychographics - Myke Okuhara (7/25/2013)

While Timmy, Johnny, Spike, Vorthos, and Melvin rightly get much of the attention in the Magic community, there are a few niche psychographics that have been forgotten, or are spoken of only in hushed tones in the hallowed halls at Renton. Here, for the first time is an exhaustive list of Magic psychographics:

Candi – She is a very capable player... in theory. Candi owns pimped-out play mats, spin-down life counters, creature tokens for every occasion, but barely any cards; two decks at most, both of which are pre-cons. To be sure, she knows the rules, every one of them actually, as she's read the comp rules backwards and forwards every day for the last year. She follows 20 hours of Magic-related podcasts a week, never misses coverage of a Pro Tour or GP, and slavishly studies every article posted to Daily MTG. For all this preparation, she's played all of ten or twelve actual games of Magic in her life. Asked why she hasn't played more, she responds that it would involve actual social interaction with overly competitive jerks who smell bad. She may be the most sane psychographic on the list.

Marty – He is a bargain hunter, through and through. Pauper is the only format of which he speaks, and only the cheapest-of-the-cheap commons will do in his decks. Marty bums all of his lands off others, and charges rent on any that he lends out. He goes store to store searching through piles of unorganized singles because of that Sinkhole
Sinkhole
SinkholeSet: Limited Edition Alpha
Cost:
2
Color:
Black
Type:
Sorcery
Rarity:
C
Artist:
Sandra Everingham
Text:
Destroys any one land.
he found in a common bin in 2004. Marty's play style is, as one would expect, frugal, and he complains loudly of overcosted cards, often playing sorceries instead of equivalent instants to “save some mana for a rainy day.” Marty can recite the high and low prices of every Fallen Empires card from every issue of SCRYE between 1995 and 1997, and he does, whether you want him to or not.

Sallie – She is a zen master. You respect her curious obsession with randomization at first. There, across the table from you, she's been shuffling for going on two minutes now. Seems a bit excessive, you think, but maybe she's just being thorough. Another three minutes later, and she's still going at it, shuffling, riffling, and mixing them on the table, over and over and over. You eventually notice her eyes have been closed the entire time, as if in a meditative state, at one with the cards. You begin getting sleepy, entranced with the steady, repetitive movement. A dim corner of your brain finally registers that she's been shuffling a deck of Pokemon cards this entire time, but it's too late. You lose consciousness, never to wake again.

Jeffry – He is a sadist at heart, who takes great pleasure in damaging, destroying, and exiling creatures on the battlefield. Creatures, to him, are summoned to be his plaything, to toy with until he's bored with them. And not just his opponent's creatures; no, Jeffry is just as comfortable watching his own cards die to Pestilence
Pestilence
PestilenceSet: Revised Edition
Cost:
4
Color:
Black
Type:
Enchantment
Rarity:
C
Artist:
Jesper Myrfors
Text:
B: Do 1 damage to each creature and to both players.If there are no creatures in play at the end of any turn, Pestilence must be discarded.
, Wrath, and Earthquake
Earthquake
EarthquakeSet: Revised Edition
Cost:
2
Color:
Red
Type:
Sorcery
Rarity:
R
Artist:
Dan Frazier
Text:
Does X damage to each player and each non-flying creature in play.
. In fact, the more creatures suffering, the better, he always says. Jeffry considers it poor form to win if his opponent still has creatures in play, and believes milling decks to be a gross corruption of the game. His only complaint about Duels of the Planeswalkers is that the creatures don't make a screaming sound effect as they are dragged into the graveyard. His favorite prey is Timmy, because nothing is funnier to him than an Eldrazi eating a Doom Blade
Doom Blade
Doom BladeSet: Magic 2010
Color:
Black
Type:
Instant
Rarity:
C
Number:
93
Artist:
Chippy
Text:
Destroy target nonblack creature.
. For Jeffry, psychographic may not be as apt as psychopathic.

Smithy – He is only here playing this tournament because his significant other brought him, having started teaching him the game “a couple months ago.” He will beat you 2-0, and you will feel like crap.

Phoebe – Some play to win. She plays to draw, and does so very slowly. A Spike's worst nightmare, Phoebe plays nothing but control decks with zero win conditions. Surmising that her play group takes winning a little too seriously (and maybe she has a point), she keeps the peace amongst her friends by gumming up the battlefield with a hundred cloned copies of Spore Frog
Spore Frog
Spore FrogSet: Prophecy
Cost:
1
Color:
Green
Type:
Creature
Sub Type:
Frog
Rarity:
C
Number:
126
Artist:
Donato Giancola
Power:
1
Toughness:
1
Text:
Sacrifice Spore Frog: Prevent all combat damage that would be dealt this turn.
and a Platinum Angel
Platinum Angel
Platinum AngelSet: Mirrodin
Cost:
7
Color:
Colorless
Type:
Artifact Creature
Sub Type:
Angel
Rarity:
R
Number:
228
Artist:
Brom
Power:
4
Toughness:
4
Text:
Flying You can't lose the game and your opponents can't win the game.
she never swings with. Just to be certain, she has a way to get Divine Intervention
Divine Intervention
Divine InterventionSet: Legends
Cost:
8
Color:
White
Type:
Enchantment
Rarity:
R
Artist:
Amy Weber
Text:
Put two counters on this card. Remove a counter during your upkeep. When you remove the last counter from Divine Intervention, the game is over and considered a draw.
onto the battlefield in every deck she plays. Despite all this, she is good company. Still, by the fourth hour of a single game of Commander, her friends will agree to strap her to the roof of an express bus to Saskatchewan and never speak of her again.

Nicky – He was waaaay into Magic... in middle school, but hasn't really thought about the game since. Nicky's cards, all 10,000 of them, are tucked away in his parent's attic, in boxes decorated with sketches of Revised-era Shivan Dragon
Shivan Dragon
Shivan DragonSet: Revised Edition
Cost:
6
Color:
Red
Type:
Creature
Sub Type:
Dragon
Rarity:
R
Artist:
Melissa A. Benson
Power:
5
Toughness:
5
Text:
Flying, R: +1/+0
s and Serra Angel
Serra Angel
Serra AngelSet: Revised Edition
Cost:
5
Color:
White
Type:
Creature
Sub Type:
Angel
Rarity:
U
Artist:
Douglas Shuler
Power:
4
Toughness:
4
Text:
Flying Attacking does not cause Serra Angel to tap.
s. He can describe in great detail the geography, topology, and demography of Dominaria, but mention Zendikar to him and all you get is a blank stare. Nicky will freak out when you tell him how powerful and cheap creatures are these days: “I'm sorry, I think you misspoke. These Titans must cost six...TEEN to cast.” He will be pestered constantly by Marty who will try to convince him to sell his entire collection at a price several-hundred dollars too low.

Norm – He uses Magic tournaments as a quick and easy way to get dates... you know what, I already know this is going to end inappropriately, so let's just cut it there and leave Norm to his business.


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