RTR: Spooky Mayan Mysteries - Rockford Wheeler (1/31/2013)

Mayans! All their spooky, mystical powers of prediction have been well documented to be incredibly accurate. As predicted, the world ended on December 21 2012, and we are all, as you know, now living in a weird parallel plane of existence exactly like the old one which was surely ripped apart by meteor magnetic pole-shifting cataclysm clouds filled with bees. They also happened to predict major events in history such as the invention of the squirrel. Today, we heed the dire warnings and heartening predictions that these ancient scholars have passed on to us in the form of severely damaged rock carvings. The prediction of a location to place a rock so that it is not shattered is very difficult. The point is, through rigorous study of star movements and back massages performed by comely females (the ancient texts are very clear on this: predictions cannot be made accurately without back massages by comely females. Just beside the passage explaining this is another passage which roughly translated is “if you know what I mean -winky face-”) Mayans were able to not only predict the existence of a card game called Magic, but a specific set called “Return to Ravnica”. What's more, there seem to be predictions about people's personal destiny, based on which of these “cards” those people most enjoy. The following is a roughly translated transcript, pointing out what your favorite RTR card might say about you, gentle reader.


Abrupt Decay

Abrupt Decay
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: Multicolor Type: Instant Rarity: R Number: 141 Artist: Svetlin Velinov Text: Abrupt Decay can't be countered by spells or abilities. Destroy target nonland permanent with converted mana cost 3 or less.

: What an exciting choice! Have an O'Douls to celebrate, and what the heck, tomorrow at work you should use a blue pen instead of black. Party animal strikes again, all over this W-I22 Insurance Consent Form. Booya.

Aerial Predation

Aerial Predation
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 3 Color: Green Type: Instant Rarity: C Number: 113 Artist: BD Text: Destroy target creature with flying. You gain 2 life.

: If you were in Africa right now people would be sending your deck a dollar a week.

Angel of Serenity

Angel of Serenity

Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 7 Color: White Type: Creature Sub Type: Angel Rarity: M Number: 1 Artist: Aleksi Briclot Power: 5 Toughness: 6 Text: Flying When Angel of Serenity enters the battlefield, you may exile up to three other target creatures from the battlefield and/or creature cards from graveyards. When Angel of Serenity leaves the battlefield, return the exiled cards to their owners' hands.

: How original. If you keep trying to fit in so badly, someday you'll be excellent cult material. Tell the three spinning space kings I said hello.

Annihilating Fire

Annihilating Fire
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 3 Color: Red Type: Instant Rarity: C Number: 85 Artist: Clint Cearley Text: Annihilating Fire deals 3 damage to target creature or player. If a creature dealt damage this way would die this turn, exile it instead.

: Pick another card or Richard Garfield is going to kill himself just so he can roll around in his grave.

Aquus Steed

Aquus Steed
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 4 Color: Blue Type: Creature Sub Type: Beast Rarity: U Number: 29 Artist: Warren Mahy Power: 1 Toughness: 3 Text: {2}{U}, {T}: Target creature gets -2/-0 until end of turn.

: Shouldn't you be busy writing My Little Pony fan fiction somewhere? Why do you have to come out and bother the sane?

Archon of the Triumvirate

Archon of the Triumvirate
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 7 Color: Multicolor Type: Creature Sub Type: Archon Rarity: R Number: 142 Artist: David Rapoza Power: 4 Toughness: 5 Text: Flying Whenever Archon of the Triumvirate attacks, detain up to two target nonland permanents your opponents control. (Until your next turn, those permanents can't attack or block and their activated abilities can't be activated.)

: Your parents just called me to ask if it's too late to put you up for adoption.

Archweaver

Archweaver
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 7 Color: Green Type: Creature Sub Type: Spider Rarity: U Number: 114 Artist: Jason Felix Power: 5 Toughness: 5 Text: Reach, trample

: Is your high school bully around? I'd like to give her a high five.

Armada Wurm

Armada Wurm
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 6 Color: Multicolor Type: Creature Sub Type: Wurm Rarity: M Number: 143 Artist: Volkan Baga Power: 5 Toughness: 5 Text: Trample When Armada Wurm enters the battlefield, put a 5/5 green Wurm creature token with trample onto the battlefield.

: We're predicting you have Mayan overlords. Please bow down to them now. If you are already in a bowing position, bow harder, slave.

Armory Guard

Armory Guard
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 4 Color: White Type: Creature Sub Type: Giant Soldier Rarity: C Number: 2 Artist: Karl Kopinski Power: 2 Toughness: 5 Text: Armory Guard has vigilance as long as you control a Gate.

: This card has all of the attributes that nobody asked for.

Arrest

Arrest
	Set: Mercadian Masques Cost: 3 Color: White Type: Enchant Creature Rarity: U Number: 4 Artist: Dan Frazier Text: Enchanted creature can't attack or block, and its activated abilities can't be played.

: I would like to deliver a message from all of those who already have a playset of this card. “Welcome to this planet, try the pie”

Ash Zealot

Ash Zealot
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: Red Type: Creature Sub Type: Human Warrior Rarity: R Number: 86 Artist: Eric Deschamps Power: 2 Toughness: 2 Text: First strike, haste Whenever a player casts a spell from a graveyard, Ash Zealot deals 3 damage to that player.

: Invest in geiger counters, they seem to be in big demand in your near future!

Assassin's Strike

Assassin's Strike
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 6 Color: Black Type: Sorcery Rarity: U Number: 57 Artist: Chase Stone Text: Destroy target creature. Its controller discards a card.

: Five years from now, your only hope will be to turn the aliens on the zombies somehow.

Auger Spree

Auger Spree
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 3 Color: Multicolor Type: Instant Rarity: C Number: 144 Artist: Raymond Swanland Text: Target creature gets +4/-4 until end of turn.

: [The only possible translation we were able to get from this passage is as follows] Watch out for sharkbears.

Avenging Arrow

Avenging Arrow
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 3 Color: White Type: Instant Rarity: C Number: 4 Artist: James Ryman Text: Destroy target creature that dealt damage this turn.

: Nice choice. What color shirt is that? Drool?

Axebane Guardian

Axebane Guardian
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 3 Color: Green Type: Creature Sub Type: Human Druid Rarity: C Number: 115 Artist: Slawomir Maniak Power: 0 Toughness: 3 Text: Defender {T}: Add X mana in any combination of colors to your mana pool, where X is the number of creatures with defender you control.

: You're a lumberjack and that's not ok. You sleep all night and choose bad cards all day.

Axebane Stag

Axebane Stag
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 7 Color: Green Type: Creature Sub Type: Elk Rarity: C Number: 116 Artist: Martina Pilcerova Power: 6 Toughness: 7

: Get it? He breaks axes! Yeah, I don't get it either. Pick another card, goofball.

Azor's Elocutors

Azor's Elocutors

Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 13 Color: Multicolor Type: Creature Sub Type: Human Advisor Rarity: R Number: 210 Artist: Johannes Voss Power: 3 Toughness: 5 Text: At the beginning of your upkeep, put a filibuster counter on Azor's Elocutors. Then if Azor's Elocutors has five or more filibuster counters on it, you win the game. Whenever a source deals damage to you, remove a filibuster counter from Azor's Elocutors.

: I'm sure that this card and the Detroit Lions will pull through any day now.

Azorius Arrester

Azorius Arrester
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: White Type: Creature Sub Type: Human Soldier Rarity: C Number: 5 Artist: Wayne Reynolds Power: 2 Toughness: 1 Text: When Azorius Arrester enters the battlefield, detain target creature an opponent controls. (Until your next turn, that creature can't attack or block and its activated abilities can't be activated.)

: Shouldn't you be licking payphones with your big wobbly head somewhere, Creepy?

Azorius Charm

Azorius Charm
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: Multicolor Type: Instant Rarity: U Number: 145 Artist: Zoltan Boros Text: Choose one — Creatures you control gain lifelink until end of turn; or draw a card; or put target attacking or blocking creature on top of its owner's library.

: We have charms here in the village. We hang them in our doorways to keep the damnable sharkbears away. This one time, it worked!

Azorius Guildgate

Azorius Guildgate
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 0 Color: Colorless Type: Land Sub Type: Gate Rarity: C Number: 237 Artist: Drew Baker Text: Azorius Guildgate enters the battlefield tapped. {T}: Add {W} or {U} to your mana pool.

: We have a similar card game to this here, in ancient Mayan society. It's actually more similar to cribbage, the only difference being that there is no cribbage board, and the loser gets lit on fire and thrown down a well.

Azorius Justiciar

Azorius Justiciar
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 4 Color: White Type: Creature Sub Type: Human Wizard Rarity: U Number: 6 Artist: Chris Rahn Power: 2 Toughness: 2 Text: When Azorius Justiciar enters the battlefield, detain up to two target creatures your opponents control. (Until your next turn, those creatures can't attack or block and their activated abilities can't be activated.)

: Do you just like pointing out that it's Justiciar instead of Justicar? Great life move. I'm sure you're a real blast at parties people feel obligated to invite you to.

Azorius Keyrune

Azorius Keyrune
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 3 Color: Colorless Type: Artifact Rarity: U Number: 225 Artist: Daniel Ljunggren Text: {T}: Add {W} or {U} to your mana pool. {W}{U}: Azorius Keyrune becomes a 2/2 white and blue Bird artifact creature with flying until end of turn.

: Would you like the good news or the bad news? Okay then, the good news: You won't know about the bad news until it happens.

Batterhorn

Batterhorn
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 5 Color: Red Type: Creature Sub Type: Beast Rarity: C Number: 87 Artist: Dave Kendall Power: 4 Toughness: 3 Text: When Batterhorn enters the battlefield, you may destroy target artifact.

: Something called a “taser” will play a prominent role in your future. It sounds delicious. Enjoy hunting and eating your tasty, tasty “taser”.

Bazaar Krovod

Bazaar Krovod
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 5 Color: White Type: Creature Sub Type: Beast Rarity: U Number: 7 Artist: Lars Grant-West Power: 2 Toughness: 5 Text: Whenever Bazaar Krovod attacks, another target attacking creature gets +0/+2 until end of turn. Untap that creature.

: Are you kidding me? This card is the only product on earth not desirable enough to be contained in a Japanese vending machine somewhere.

Bellows Lizard

Bellows Lizard
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 1 Color: Red Type: Creature Sub Type: Lizard Rarity: C Number: 88 Artist: Jack Wang Power: 1 Toughness: 1 Text: {1}{R}: Bellows Lizard gets +1/+0 until end of turn.

: My brother, Buutin bellows “lizard!” every time he sees one. Ha ha! No, seriously we think he got hit on the head one too many times, we're very concerned for him.

Blistercoil Weird

Blistercoil Weird
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 5 Color: Multicolor Type: Creature Sub Type: Weird Rarity: U Number: 211 Artist: Dan Scott Power: 1 Toughness: 1 Text: Whenever you cast an instant or sorcery spell, Blistercoil Weird gets +1/+1 until end of turn. Untap it.

: An adult should never actually own a wizard hat. Knock it off, Mr. Potter.

Blood Crypt

Blood Crypt
	Set: Dissension Color: Land Type: Land Rarity: R Number: 171 Artist: Rob Alexander Text: Swamp Mountain, (T: Add B or R to your mana pool.) As Blood Crypt comes into play, you may pay 2 life. If you don't, Blood Crypt comes into play tapped instead.

: How much blood could a blood crypt blood if a blood crypt could crypt blood? The stars have never answered this question. They just keep talking about “wood” and “chucks”. We'd write down the answer, but it seems like nonsense.

Bloodfray Giant

Bloodfray Giant
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 4 Color: Red Type: Creature Sub Type: Giant Rarity: U Number: 89 Artist: Steve Argyle Power: 4 Toughness: 3 Text: Trample Unleash (You may have this creature enter the battlefield with a +1/+1 counter on it. It can't block as long as it has a +1/+1 counter on it.)

: I'm so glad you could take the time off from starting fights on 4chan to read this. No, actually I'm not.

Blustersquall

Blustersquall
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 1 Color: Blue Type: Instant Rarity: U Number: 30 Artist: Willian Murai Text: Tap target creature you don't control. Overload {3}{U} (You may cast this spell for its overload cost. If you do, change its text by replacing all instances of "target" with "each.")

: What's a “Spanish”? That doesn't seem important, now back to your card. It's going to be cold tomorrow, wear a jacket.

Brushstrider

Brushstrider
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: Green Type: Creature Sub Type: Beast Rarity: U Number: 117 Artist: Raoul Vitale Power: 3 Toughness: 1 Text: Vigilance

: Turn your collection over to your nearest T.O. Your MTG license has been officially revoked. In three months we can talk about getting you a Candyland license, but I wouldn't hold out hope if I were you.

Call of the Conclave

Call of the Conclave
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: Multicolor Type: Sorcery Rarity: U Number: 146 Artist: Terese Nielsen Text: Put a 3/3 green Centaur creature token onto the battlefield.

: So much more negative than the Call of the Proclave.

Cancel

Cancel
	Set: Time Spiral Cost: 3 Color: Blue Type: Instant Rarity: C Number: 51 Artist: Mark Poole Text: Counter target spell.

: What your parents wish they could have done to the pregnancy.

Carnival Hellsteed

Carnival Hellsteed
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 6 Color: Multicolor Type: Creature Sub Type: Nightmare Horse Rarity: R Number: 147 Artist: Chase Stone Power: 5 Toughness: 4 Text: First strike, haste Unleash (You may have this creature enter the battlefield with a +1/+1 counter on it. It can't block as long as it has a +1/+1 counter on it.)

: Haste is a waste, First Strike is out of sight. -- White mage's mantra

Catacomb Slug

Catacomb Slug
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 5 Color: Black Type: Creature Sub Type: Slug Rarity: C Number: 58 Artist: Nils Hamm Power: 2 Toughness: 6

: This is a Magic card, not your senior yearbook picture.

Centaur Healer

Centaur Healer
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 3 Color: Multicolor Type: Creature Sub Type: Centaur Cleric Rarity: C Number: 148 Artist: Mark Zug Power: 3 Toughness: 3 Text: When Centaur Healer enters the battlefield, you gain 3 life.

: Is it a centaur who is a healer, or a healer that heals centaurs? Either way, that's messed up, dude.

Centaur's Herald

Centaur's Herald
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 1 Color: Green Type: Creature Sub Type: Elf Scout Rarity: C Number: 118 Artist: Howard Lyon Power: 0 Toughness: 1 Text: {2}{G}, Sacrifice Centaur's Herald: Put a 3/3 green Centaur creature token onto the battlefield.

: A giraffe is just an eel centaur. Now that you have that image in your head, enjoy not sleeping for the next couple of nights. Maybe you could use that time to pick a real card.

Chaos Imps

Chaos Imps
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 6 Color: Red Type: Creature Sub Type: Imp Rarity: R Number: 90 Artist: Tyler Jacobson Power: 6 Toughness: 5 Text: Flying Unleash (You may have this creature enter the battlefield with a +1/+1 counter on it. It can't block as long as it has a +1/+1 counter on it.) Chaos Imps has trample as long as it has a +1/+1 counter on it.

: What a great band name. Too bad I'll have to wait for another two thousand years for someone to invent music.

Chemister's Trick

Chemister's Trick
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: Multicolor Type: Instant Rarity: C Number: 149 Artist: Christopher Moeller Text: Target creature you don't control gets -2/-0 until end of turn and attacks this turn if able. Overload {3}{U}{R} (You may cast this spell for its overload cost. If you do, change its text by replacing all instances of "target" with "each.")

: Are you in your mid twenties but look like a member of The Rolling Stones

Rolling Stones
	Set: Stronghold Cost: 2 Color: White Type: Enchantment Rarity: R Number: 111 Artist: John Matson Text: Walls can attack as though they were not Walls.

? Then this is the card for you!

Chorus of Might

Chorus of Might
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 4 Color: Green Type: Instant Rarity: C Number: 119 Artist: Christopher Moeller Text: Until end of turn, target creature gets +1/+1 for each creature you control and gains trample.

: I was going to write down a great insult for you, but lets face it, you can't read.

Chromatic Lantern

Chromatic Lantern
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 3 Color: Colorless Type: Artifact Rarity: R Number: 226 Artist: Jung Park Text: Lands you control have "{T}: Add one mana of any color to your mana pool." {T}: Add one mana of any color to your mana pool.

: Your tinfoil hat looks a little tight.

Chronic Flooding

Chronic Flooding
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: Blue Type: Enchantment Sub Type: Aura Rarity: C Number: 32 Artist: Scott Chou Text: Enchant land Whenever enchanted land becomes tapped, its controller puts the top three cards of his or her library into his or her graveyard.

: Get used to the word “chronic” it plays a big part in your future.

Civic Saber

Civic Saber
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 1 Color: Colorless Type: Artifact Sub Type: Equipment Rarity: U Number: 227 Artist: Jung Park Text: Equipped creature gets +1/+0 for each of its colors. Equip {1}

: You know, most people can't pull off looking good in sweat pants, but you aren't most people. You don't look good in sweatpants either, but you aren't most people.

Cobblebrute

Cobblebrute
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 4 Color: Red Type: Creature Sub Type: Elemental Rarity: C Number: 91 Artist: Eytan Zana Power: 5 Toughness: 2

: Can we be serious for a second? I think Jim Morrison is totally overrated and Ray Manzarek was really the core of that band. His steady, guiding musical hand really propelled The Doors from being just a great frontman gimmick band to being a psychedelic blues-based tour de force. I credit Ray Manzarek with those eight consecutive gold LPs, induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and for their inimitable lasting musical influence. Oh yeah, and you've got maybe three months to live.

Codex Shredder

Codex Shredder
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 1 Color: Colorless Type: Artifact Rarity: U Number: 228 Artist: Jason Felix Text: {T}: Target player puts the top card of his or her library into his or her graveyard. {5}, {T}, Sacrifice Codex Shredder: Return target card from your graveyard to your hand.

: Whatever gender you are, stop it.

Collective Blessing

Collective Blessing
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 6 Color: Multicolor Type: Enchantment Rarity: R Number: 150 Artist: Svetlin Velinov Text: Creatures you control get +3/+3.

: You consider yourself a born leader. Nobody else does.

Common Bond

Common Bond
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 3 Color: Multicolor Type: Instant Rarity: C Number: 151 Artist: Raymond Swanland Text: Put a +1/+1 counter on target creature. Put a +1/+1 counter on target creature.

: Right now, your dead skin cells are desperately trying to exfoliate you.

Concordia Pegasus

Concordia Pegasus
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: White Type: Creature Sub Type: Pegasus Rarity: C Number: 8 Artist: Winona Nelson Power: 1 Toughness: 3 Text: Flying

: It flies and it has a big butt. Just like you during a cupcake sale.

Conjured Currency

Conjured Currency
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 6 Color: Blue Type: Enchantment Rarity: R Number: 33 Artist: Steve Argyle Text: At the beginning of your upkeep, you may exchange control of Conjured Currency and target permanent you neither own nor control.

: Exchange it for something you neither own or control. Like everything that ever was, ever.

Corpsejack Menace

Corpsejack Menace
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 4 Color: Multicolor Type: Creature Sub Type: Fungus Rarity: R Number: 152 Artist: Chris Rahn Power: 4 Toughness: 4 Text: If one or more +1/+1 counters would be placed on a creature you control, twice that many +1/+1 counters are placed on it instead.

: If you play this card and some other scavenge cards to support it, you can make your opponent scream louder than the peeping toms in your apartment building.

Counterflux

Counterflux
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 3 Color: Multicolor Type: Instant Rarity: R Number: 153 Artist: Scott M. Fischer Text: Counterflux can't be countered by spells or abilities. Counter target spell you don't control. Overload {1}{U}{U}{R} (You may cast this spell for its overload cost. If you do, change its text by replacing all instances of "target" with "each.")

: I think you've overloaded your shoes.

Coursers' Accord

Coursers' Accord
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 6 Color: Multicolor Type: Sorcery Rarity: C Number: 154 Artist: Nils Hamm Text: Put a 3/3 green Centaur creature token onto the battlefield, then populate. (Put a token onto the battlefield that's a copy of a creature token you control.)

: Maybe you should dress up like a centaur and wander around the woods in November for a while.

Cremate

Cremate
	Set: Invasion Cost: 1 Color: Black Type: Instant Rarity: U Number: 96 Artist: Andrew Goldhawk Text: Remove target card in a graveyard from the game.Draw a card.

: Keep telling everyone that you're “a poor test taker”. If you say it enough someone might believe it. Try starting with someone else who picked this card.

Crosstown Courier

Crosstown Courier
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: Blue Type: Creature Sub Type: Vedalken Rarity: C Number: 34 Artist: Chase Stone Power: 2 Toughness: 1 Text: Whenever Crosstown Courier deals combat damage to a player, that player puts that many cards from the top of his or her library into his or her graveyard.

: Mayan predictions are one-hundred percent accurate, guaranteed. Just ask our biggest proponent, president John McCain.

Cryptborn Horror

Cryptborn Horror
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 11 Color: Multicolor Type: Creature Sub Type: Horror Rarity: R Number: 212 Artist: Richard Wright Power: 0 Toughness: 0 Text: Trample Cryptborn Horror enters the battlefield with X +1/+1 counters on it, where X is the total life lost by your opponents this turn.

: This is not actually a prostitute that hangs out at the graveyard. Read it again, dummy.

Cyclonic Rift

Cyclonic Rift
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: Blue Type: Instant Rarity: R Number: 35 Artist: Chris Rahn Text: Return target nonland permanent you don't control to its owner's hand. Overload {6}{U} (You may cast this spell for its overload cost. If you do, change its text by replacing all instances of "target" with "each.")

: I'm glad you're the kind of person that can laugh at adversity. What? Why would I say that? No reason. No, I'm just saying. Just “good luck” that's what I'm getting at, really.

Daggerdrome Imp

Daggerdrome Imp
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: Black Type: Creature Sub Type: Imp Rarity: C Number: 60 Artist: Jack Wang Power: 1 Toughness: 1 Text: Flying Lifelink (Damage dealt by this creature also causes you to gain that much life.)

: “I'm planking” is getting to be a tired excuse for your laziness.

Dark Revenant

Dark Revenant
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 4 Color: Black Type: Creature Sub Type: Spirit Rarity: U Number: 61 Artist: Daarken Power: 2 Toughness: 2 Text: Flying When Dark Revenant dies, put it on top of its owner's library.

: You know that movie where Bill Murray keeps having the same day over and over again? What's it called? Oh yeah, that's it.

Dead Reveler

Dead Reveler
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 3 Color: Black Type: Creature Sub Type: Zombie Rarity: C Number: 62 Artist: David Palumbo Power: 2 Toughness: 3 Text: Unleash (You may have this creature enter the battlefield with a +1/+1 counter on it. It can't block as long as it has a +1/+1 counter on it.)

: You know that movie where Bill Murray keeps having the same day over and over again? What's it called? Oh yeah, that's it.

Deadbridge Goliath

Deadbridge Goliath
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 4 Color: Green Type: Creature Sub Type: Insect Rarity: R Number: 120 Artist: Chase Stone Power: 5 Toughness: 5 Text: Scavenge {4}{G}{G} ({4}{G}{G}, Exile this card from your graveyard: Put a number of +1/+1 counters equal to this card's power on target creature. Scavenge only as a sorcery.)

: If the bridge is dead, what will you sleep under?

Death's Presence

Death's Presence
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 6 Color: Green Type: Enchantment Rarity: R Number: 121 Artist: Ryan Barger Text: Whenever a creature you control dies, put X +1/+1 counters on target creature you control, where X is the power of the creature that died.

: What a treat! I've never met anyone with enough body hair to increase their personal THAC0 score.

Deathrite Shaman

Deathrite Shaman

Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 5 Color: Multicolor Type: Creature Sub Type: Elf Shaman Rarity: R Number: 213 Artist: Steve Argyle Power: 1 Toughness: 2 Text: {T}: Exile target land card from a graveyard. Add one mana of any color to your mana pool. {B}, {T}: Exile target instant or sorcery card from a graveyard. Each opponent loses 2 life. {G}, {T}: Exile target creature card from a graveyard. You gain 2 life.

: This card can do anything! Perfect for any deck that does nothing.

Desecration Demon

Desecration Demon
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 4 Color: Black Type: Creature Sub Type: Demon Rarity: R Number: 63 Artist: Jason Chan Power: 6 Toughness: 6 Text: Flying At the beginning of each combat, any opponent may sacrifice a creature. If a player does, tap Desecration Demon and put a +1/+1 counter on it.

: With this card you can give your opponent an impossible choice. Too bad that choice is between getting within smelling distance of you and quitting Magic forever.

Destroy the Evidence

Destroy the Evidence
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 5 Color: Black Type: Sorcery Rarity: C Number: 64 Artist: Clint Cearley Text: Destroy target land. Its controller reveals cards from the top of his or her library until he or she reveals a land card, then puts those cards into his or her graveyard.

: This card should be called “Destroy Your Win/Loss Ratio”.

Detention Sphere

Detention Sphere

Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 3 Color: Multicolor Type: Enchantment Rarity: R Number: 155 Artist: Kev Walker Text: When Detention Sphere enters the battlefield, you may exile target nonland permanent not named Detention Sphere and all other permanents with the same name as that permanent. When Detention Sphere leaves the battlefield, return the exiled cards to the battlefield under their owner's control.

: With this card you can exile other cards. Start with your DCI membership card.

Deviant Glee

Deviant Glee
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 1 Color: Black Type: Enchantment Sub Type: Aura Rarity: C Number: 65 Artist: Michael C. Hayes Text: Enchant creature Enchanted creature gets +2/+1 and has "{R}: This creature gains trample until end of turn."

: You keep telling your friends that Glee is a good show. Stop it. If only there was an autotune for your taste in television.

Dispel

Dispel
	Set: Worldwake Cost: 1 Color: Blue Type: Instant Rarity: C Number: 26 Artist: Vance Kovacs Text: Counter target instant spell.

: I was so sorry to hear about your crippling A.D.D. Lets go bowling. I hate clowns. Money is shiny.

Doorkeeper

Doorkeeper
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: Blue Type: Creature Sub Type: Homunculus Rarity: C Number: 37 Artist: Kev Walker Power: 0 Toughness: 4 Text: Defender {2}{U}, {T}: Target player puts the top X cards of his or her library into his or her graveyard, where X is the number of creatures with defender you control.

: Your therapist's therapist just bought a yacht.

Downsize

Downsize
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 1 Color: Blue Type: Instant Rarity: C Number: 38 Artist: Ryan Pancoast Text: Target creature you don't control gets -4/-0 until end of turn. Overload {2}{U} (You may cast this spell for its overload cost. If you do, change its text by replacing all instances of "target" with "each.")

: Fun Fact: Watching Animal Planet doesn't remind most people to call their mother.

Drainpipe Vermin

Drainpipe Vermin
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 1 Color: Black Type: Creature Sub Type: Rat Rarity: C Number: 66 Artist: Trevor Claxton Power: 1 Toughness: 1 Text: When Drainpipe Vermin dies, you may pay {B}. If you do, target player discards a card.

: Funner Fact: most people eat Nutella on other things, not one handed right out of the economy size jar.

Dramatic Rescue

Dramatic Rescue
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: Multicolor Type: Instant Rarity: C Number: 156 Artist: Ryan Pancoast Text: Return target creature to its owner's hand. You gain 2 life.

: You know that movie where Bill Murray keeps having the same day over and over again? What's it called? Oh yeah, that's it.

Dreadbore

Dreadbore
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: Multicolor Type: Sorcery Rarity: R Number: 157 Artist: Wayne Reynolds Text: Destroy target creature or planeswalker.

: This is what your friends call you when you're not around.

Dreg Mangler

Dreg Mangler
	Set: Duel Decks Izzet vs. Golgari Cost: 3 Color: Multicolor Type: Creature Sub Type: — Plant Zombie Rarity: U Number: 56 Artist: Peter Mohrbacher Power: 3 Toughness: 3 Text: Haste Scavenge {3}{B}{G} ({3}{B}{G}, Exile this card from your graveyard: Put a number of +1/+1 counters equal to this card's power on target creature. Scavenge only as a sorcery.)

: If this is your favorite card, you really need to get a social life. Maybe reconnect with some friends you haven't seen in a long time. Like your feet.

Drudge Beetle

Drudge Beetle
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: Green Type: Creature Sub Type: Insect Rarity: C Number: 122 Artist: Slawomir Maniak Power: 2 Toughness: 2 Text: Scavenge {5}{G} ({5}{G}, Exile this card from your graveyard: Put a number of +1/+1 counters equal to this card's power on target creature. Scavenge only as a sorcery.)

: Your greatest fears will come true. Yes, that's right, you're about to get dumped while standing naked in front of a classroom full of spiders.

Druid's Deliverance

Druid's Deliverance
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: Green Type: Instant Rarity: C Number: 123 Artist: Dan Scott Text: Prevent all combat damage that would be dealt to you this turn. Populate. (Put a token onto the battlefield that's a copy of a creature token you control.)

: Starring John Voight, Burt Reynolds, and Ned Beatty.

Dryad Militant

Dryad Militant
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 5 Color: Multicolor Type: Creature Sub Type: Dryad Soldier Rarity: U Number: 214 Artist: Terese Nielsen Power: 2 Toughness: 1 Text: If an instant or sorcery card would be put into a graveyard from anywhere, exile it instead.

: In ancient Mayan times, we send tweets by hitting a bird with a rock. I feel like the quality of the content is about the same. Check out this tweet I got from my brother-in-law: “SQUAAaaAAuuUUAA....”

Dynacharge

Dynacharge
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 1 Color: Red Type: Instant Rarity: C Number: 92 Artist: Matt Stewart Text: Target creature you control gets +2/+0 until end of turn. Overload {2}{R} (You may cast this spell for its overload cost. If you do, change its text by replacing all instances of "target" with "each.")

: [No words were written in this entry, just a picture of a big fist with the middle finger extended, the meaning of which is presently unclear.]

Electrickery

Electrickery
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 1 Color: Red Type: Instant Rarity: C Number: 93 Artist: Greg Staples Text: Electrickery deals 1 damage to target creature you don't control. Overload {1}{R} (You may cast this spell for its overload cost. If you do, change its text by replacing all instances of "target" with "each.")

: I'm not entirely sure what a “face book” is, but it looks heavy. It would have to be, right? An entire book made out of people's faces?

Epic Experiment

Epic Experiment
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: Multicolor Type: Sorcery Rarity: M Number: 159 Artist: Dan Scott Text: Exile the top X cards of your library. For each instant and sorcery card with converted mana cost X or less among them, you may cast that card without paying its mana cost. Then put all cards exiled this way that weren't cast into your graveyard.

: In a huge upset, this year's Super Bowl will be won by Luxembourg.

Essence Backlash

Essence Backlash
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 4 Color: Multicolor Type: Instant Rarity: C Number: 160 Artist: Jung Park Text: Counter target creature spell. Essence Backlash deals damage equal to that spell's power to its controller.

: This afternoon a butterfly will beat it's wings in Argentina, the ultimate result of which will be nothing. Proving once again that that movie is stupid.

Ethereal Armor

Ethereal Armor
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 1 Color: White Type: Enchantment Sub Type: Aura Rarity: C Number: 9 Artist: Daarken Text: Enchant creature Enchanted creature gets +1/+1 for each enchantment you control and has first strike.

: You know how you're always dreaming that you're at a dubstep concert? That's called sleep apnea and you should probably have it checked out.

Explosive Impact

Explosive Impact
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 6 Color: Red Type: Instant Rarity: C Number: 94 Artist: Steve Argyle Text: Explosive Impact deals 5 damage to target creature or player.

: How many of these things have I written? Really? Wow, I have to get a life. That's a huge amount of time wasted, especially since I have to ask the heavens for guidance and then chisel each word painstakingly into stone using another dull stone because hammers and chisels haven't been invented yet. That last sentence took me a week! You'd think I'd plan these things out better and stop wasting so much time just writing down every inane thought I have... Oh wow, ellipses are fun to carve... … … … … Where was I? Oh yeah, you're going to die eventually... okay, next.

Eyes in the Skies

Eyes in the Skies
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 4 Color: White Type: Instant Rarity: C Number: 10 Artist: James Ryman Text: Put a 1/1 white Bird creature token with flying onto the battlefield, then populate. (Put a token onto the battlefield that's a copy of a creature token you control.)

: If this card had nothing to do with birds it would be super gross.

Faerie Impostor

Faerie Impostor
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 1 Color: Blue Type: Creature Sub Type: Faerie Rogue Rarity: U Number: 39 Artist: Johann Bodin Power: 2 Toughness: 1 Text: Flying When Faerie Impostor enters the battlefield, sacrifice it unless you return another creature you control to its owner's hand.

: You actually think faeries are worthwhile? What is this 2008? Whatever. Enjoy Lost, I'm sure they'll tie up all those loose ends any day now.

Fall of the Gavel

Fall of the Gavel
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 5 Color: Multicolor Type: Instant Rarity: U Number: 161 Artist: Matt Stewart Text: Counter target spell. You gain 5 life.

: You can't please all the people all the time. You could at least try a little, though.

Fencing Ace

Fencing Ace
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: White Type: Creature Sub Type: Human Soldier Rarity: U Number: 11 Artist: David Rapoza Power: 1 Toughness: 1 Text: Double strike (This creature deals both first-strike and regular combat damage.)

: Double strike, double suck. It's a Grizzly Bear without all the toughness.

Firemind's Foresight

Firemind's Foresight
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 7 Color: Multicolor Type: Instant Rarity: R Number: 162 Artist: Dan Scott Text: Search your library for an instant card with converted mana cost 3, reveal it, and put it into your hand. Then repeat this process for instant cards with converted mana costs 2 and 1. Then shuffle your library.

: Play this when you're in a game with someone with a lisp and search for Cerulean Wisps

Cerulean Wisps
	Set: Shadowmoor Cost: 1 Color: Blue Type: Instant Rarity: C Number: 31 Artist: Jim Nelson Text: Target creature becomes blue until end of turn. Untap that creature. Draw a card.

, Crosis's Charm

Crosis's Charm
	Set: Planeshift Cost: 3 Color: Multicolor Type: Instant Rarity: U Number: 99 Artist: David Martin Text: Choose one - Return target permanent to its owner's hand; or destroy target nonblack creature, and it can't be regenerated; or destroy target artifact.

, and Celestial Purge

Celestial Purge
	Set: Conflux Cost: 2 Color: White Type: Instant Rarity: U Number: 5 Text: Remove target black or red permanent from the game.

. Make sure they say all the names of the cards. Thank me later.

Frostburn Weird

Frostburn Weird
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 10 Color: Multicolor Type: Creature Sub Type: Weird Rarity: C Number: 215 Artist: Mike Bierek Power: 1 Toughness: 4 Text: {(u/r)}: Frostburn Weird gets +1/-1 until end of turn.

: This is what they call Al Yankovic when he tours Alaska.

Gatecreeper Vine

Gatecreeper Vine
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: Green Type: Creature Sub Type: Plant Rarity: C Number: 124 Artist: Trevor Claxton Power: 0 Toughness: 2 Text: Defender When Gatecreeper Vine enters the battlefield, you may search your library for a basic land card or a Gate card, reveal it, put it into your hand, then shuffle your library.

: Use this bad card to fetch other bad cards. It's like an ouroboros of suck.

Giant Growth

Giant Growth
	Set: Revised Edition Cost: 1 Color: Green Type: Instant Rarity: C Artist: Sandra Everingham Text: Target creature gains +3/+3 until end of turn.

: [No text was entered here, just a picture of the carver with a bulging loincloth.]

Gobbling Ooze

Gobbling Ooze
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 5 Color: Green Type: Creature Sub Type: Ooze Rarity: U Number: 126 Artist: Johann Bodin Power: 3 Toughness: 3 Text: {G}, Sacrifice another creature: Put a +1/+1 counter on Gobbling Ooze.

: Hootunk, Ladyslayer was here. [There is a carved arrow pointing to the above image.]

Goblin Electromancer

Goblin Electromancer
	Set: Duel Decks Izzet vs. Golgari Cost: 2 Color: Multicolor Type: Creature Sub Type: — Goblin Wizard Rarity: C Number: 3 Artist: Svetlin Velinov Power: 2 Toughness: 2 Text: Instant and sorcery spells you cast cost {1} less to cast.

: You've got a bright future. You will have many happy, prosperous years just before the Russians invent airborne rickets.

Goblin Rally

Goblin Rally
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 5 Color: Red Type: Sorcery Rarity: U Number: 95 Artist: Nic Klein Text: Put four 1/1 red Goblin creature tokens onto the battlefield.

: Don't even bother casting this. These four goblins will die faster than that guy who got airborne rickets.

Golgari Charm

Golgari Charm
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: Multicolor Type: Instant Rarity: U Number: 164 Artist: Zoltan Boros Text: Choose one — All creatures get -1/-1 until end of turn; or destroy target enchantment; or regenerate each creature you control.

: This card gives you many choices. Trust me when I say this, go for door number two, don't take what's in the box.

Golgari Decoy

Golgari Decoy
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 4 Color: Green Type: Creature Sub Type: Elf Rogue Rarity: U Number: 127 Artist: Marco Nelor Power: 2 Toughness: 2 Text: All creatures able to block Golgari Decoy do so. Scavenge {3}{G}{G} ({3}{G}{G}, Exile this card from your graveyard: Put a number of +1/+1 counters equal to this card's power on target creature. Scavenge only as a sorcery.)

: This card was originally printed at the mana cost [0], but R&D thought it was too cheap, so then they costed it at [24GGGBB], but they thought that that would empower broken combo decks based on Erratic Explosion

Erratic Explosion
	Set: Onslaught Cost: 3 Color: Red Type: Sorcery Rarity: C Number: 201 Artist: Gary Ruddell Text: Choose target creature or player. Reveal cards from the top of your library until you reveal a nonland card. Erratic Explosion deals damage equal to that card's converted mana cost to that creature or player. Put the revealed cards on the bottom of your library in any order.

. Eventually they compromised on the mana cost and got back to what they do best: making fun of how short Mark Rosewater is.

Golgari Guildgate

Golgari Guildgate
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 0 Color: Colorless Type: Land Sub Type: Gate Rarity: C Number: 239 Artist: Eytan Zana Text: Golgari Guildgate enters the battlefield tapped. {T}: Add {B} or {G} to your mana pool.

: Aren't the Golgari basically lords of the garbage dump? Why do you have a gate on the dump? Are people breaking in to steal all the precious, precious garbage?

Golgari Keyrune

Golgari Keyrune
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 3 Color: Colorless Type: Artifact Rarity: U Number: 229 Artist: Daniel Ljunggren Text: {T}: Add {B} or {G} to your mana pool. {B}{G}: Golgari Keyrune becomes a 2/2 black and green Insect artifact creature with deathtouch until end of turn.

: It's a key to the dump. Oh joy.

Golgari Longlegs

Golgari Longlegs
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 13 Color: Multicolor Type: Creature Sub Type: Insect Rarity: C Number: 216 Artist: Volkan Baga Power: 5 Toughness: 4

: The Golgari's greatest defense against Frisbees that land on the roof.

Gore-House Chainwalker

Gore-House Chainwalker
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: Red Type: Creature Sub Type: Human Warrior Rarity: C Number: 96 Artist: Dan Scott Power: 2 Toughness: 1 Text: Unleash (You may have this creature enter the battlefield with a +1/+1 counter on it. It can't block as long as it has a +1/+1 counter on it.)

: Some of these cards are only here to make others look better. So, you have that in common at least.

Grave Betrayal

Grave Betrayal
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 7 Color: Black Type: Enchantment Rarity: R Number: 67 Artist: Lucas Graciano Text: Whenever a creature you don't control dies, return it to the battlefield under your control with an additional +1/+1 counter on it at the beginning of the next end step. That creature is a black Zombie in addition to its other colors and types.

: Et tu, grave?

Grim Roustabout

Grim Roustabout
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: Black Type: Creature Sub Type: Skeleton Warrior Rarity: C Number: 68 Artist: Steven Belledin Power: 1 Toughness: 1 Text: Unleash (You may have this creature enter the battlefield with a +1/+1 counter on it. It can't block as long as it has a +1/+1 counter on it.) {1}{B}: Regenerate Grim Roustabout.

: Underpowered attacker or underpowered defender? The choice is yours at last.

Grisly Salvage

Grisly Salvage
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: Multicolor Type: Instant Rarity: C Number: 165 Artist: Dave Kendall Text: Reveal the top five cards of your library. You may put a creature or land card from among them into your hand. Put the rest into your graveyard.

: Where bears take their old cars.

Grove of the Guardian

Grove of the Guardian
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 0 Color: Colorless Type: Land Rarity: R Number: 240 Artist: Christine Choi Text: {T}: Add {1} to your mana pool. {3}{G}{W}, {T}, Tap two untapped creatures you control, Sacrifice Grove of the Guardian: Put an 8/8 green and white Elemental creature token with vigilance onto the battlefield.

: The prediction of your future is unclear, however it does contain the word “bloodsplosion”. Hopefully it's in a good way.

Growing Ranks

Growing Ranks
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 12 Color: Multicolor Type: Enchantment Rarity: R Number: 217 Artist: Seb McKinnon Text: At the beginning of your upkeep, populate. (Put a token onto the battlefield that's a copy of a creature token you control.)

: A big promotion is coming your way. You and a certain special someone will enjoy a vastly improved love life. Oh wait, wrong card, sorry. Whatever I just said, the opposite of that.

Guild Feud

Guild Feud

Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 6 Color: Red Type: Enchantment Rarity: R Number: 97 Artist: Karl Kopinski Text: At the beginning of your upkeep, target opponent reveals the top three cards of his or her library, may put a creature card from among them onto the battlefield, then puts the rest into his or her graveyard. You do the same with the top three cards of your library. If two creatures are put onto the battlefield this way, those creatures fight each other.

: This reminds me of the time the prophecy guild got into a feud with the human sacrifice guild. That got real ugly. We kept telling them they were going to die young and they kept killing each other hoping to entice the gods to smite us. We kind of won the feud if you think about it.

Guttersnipe

Guttersnipe
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 3 Color: Red Type: Creature Sub Type: Goblin Shaman Rarity: U Number: 98 Artist: Steve Prescott Power: 2 Toughness: 2 Text: Whenever you cast an instant or sorcery spell, Guttersnipe deals 2 damage to each opponent.

: In order to catch the elusive guttersnipe, you must go into the woods with a sack, put it down by a bush and yell “guttersnipe, guttersnipe, guttersnipe” in a high pitched voice. Until it runs out of the bush, right into your sack. I swear.

Hallowed Fountain

Hallowed Fountain
	Set: Dissension Color: Land Rarity: R Number: 174 Artist: Rob Alexander

: Get used to the word “no”, you'll hear it a lot in life. Especially on dating websites.

Havoc Festival

Havoc Festival
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 6 Color: Multicolor Type: Enchantment Rarity: R Number: 166 Artist: Johannes Voss Text: Players can't gain life. At the beginning of each player's upkeep, that player loses half his or her life, rounded up.

: Being a one-armed traveling circus ferris wheel operator, I'm sure you know a lot about festivals.

Hellhole Flailer

Hellhole Flailer

Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 3 Color: Multicolor Type: Creature Sub Type: Ogre Warrior Rarity: U Number: 167 Artist: Steve Prescott Power: 3 Toughness: 2 Text: Unleash (You may have this creature enter the battlefield with a +1/+1 counter on it. It can't block as long as it has a +1/+1 counter on it.) {2}{B}{R}, Sacrifice Hellhole Flailer: Hellhole Flailer deals damage equal to its power to target player.

: What a great description of your conception.

Heroes' Reunion

Heroes' Reunion
	Set: Invasion Cost: 2 Color: Multicolor Type: Instant Rarity: U Number: 250 Artist: Terese Nielsen Text: Target player gains 7 life.

: When people tell you to “get a life”, they aren't actually talking about life gain.

Horncaller's Chant

Horncaller's Chant
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 8 Color: Green Type: Sorcery Rarity: C Number: 128 Artist: Eric Velhagen Text: Put a 4/4 green Rhino creature token with trample onto the battlefield, then populate. (Put a token onto the battlefield that's a copy of a creature token you control.)

: By the time you cast this, Frodo will have made it to Mount Doom.

Hover Barrier

Hover Barrier
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 3 Color: Blue Type: Creature Sub Type: Illusion Wall Rarity: U Number: 40 Artist: Mathias Kollros Power: 0 Toughness: 6 Text: Defender, flying

: If only it would keep out the voices in your head.

Hussar Patrol

Hussar Patrol
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 4 Color: Multicolor Type: Creature Sub Type: Human Knight Rarity: C Number: 169 Artist: Seb McKinnon Power: 2 Toughness: 4 Text: Flash (You may cast this spell any time you could cast an instant.) Vigilance

: Fantastic pick, I can hear the sucking sound from here.

Hypersonic Dragon

Hypersonic Dragon
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 5 Color: Multicolor Type: Creature Sub Type: Dragon Rarity: R Number: 170 Artist: Dan Scott Power: 4 Toughness: 4 Text: Flying, haste You may cast sorcery spells as though they had flash. (You may cast them any time you could cast an instant.)

: Constantly looked down upon by ultrasonic dragonkin, the hypersonic dragon rides the short bus of dragon society. Most hypersonic dragonkin still cling to the hope that after kicking debilitating addiction to Ritalin and Dance Dance Dragon Revolution they may one day rise to their rightful place as at least mediocre dragonkin.

Inaction Injunction

Inaction Injunction
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: Blue Type: Sorcery Rarity: C Number: 41 Artist: Wayne Reynolds Text: Detain target creature an opponent controls. (Until your next turn, that creature can't attack or block and its activated abilities can't be activated.) Draw a card.

: Can't we just send these cards to Africa? Maybe they can make a hut with them or something.

Inspiration

Inspiration
	Set: Classic Sixth Edition Cost: 4 Color: Blue Type: Instant Rarity: C Number: 76 Artist: Zina Saunders Text: Target player draws two cards.

: Hopefully you'll soon be “inspired” to leave us all alone forever.

Isperia's Skywatch

Isperia's Skywatch
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 6 Color: Blue Type: Creature Sub Type: Vedalken Knight Rarity: C Number: 43 Artist: Chris Rahn Power: 3 Toughness: 3 Text: Flying When Isperia's Skywatch enters the battlefield, detain target creature an opponent controls. (Until your next turn, that creature can't attack or block and its activated abilities can't be activated.)

: If I had a giant griffin, I'd line the bottom of its cage with this card.

Isperia, Supreme Judge

Isperia, Supreme Judge
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 6 Color: Multicolor Type: Legendary Creature Sub Type: Sphinx Rarity: M Number: 171 Artist: Scott M. Fischer Power: 6 Toughness: 4 Text: Flying Whenever a creature attacks you or a planeswalker you control, you may draw a card.

: The poor working class of Ravnica have to get up every morning and scrape sphinx poop off their cars. It's like regular bird poop, except you can't wash it off until you answer its riddle.

Izzet Charm

Izzet Charm
	Set: Duel Decks Izzet vs. Golgari Cost: 2 Color: Multicolor Type: Instant Rarity: U Number: 21 Artist: Zoltan Boros Text: Choose one — Counter target noncreature spell unless its controller pays {2}; or Izzet Charm deals 2 damage to target creature; or draw two cards, then discard two cards.

: No, it is not charm.

Izzet Guildgate

Izzet Guildgate
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 0 Color: Colorless Type: Land Sub Type: Gate Rarity: C Number: 242 Artist: Noah Bradley Text: Izzet Guildgate enters the battlefield tapped. {T}: Add {U} or {R} to your mana pool.

: Yes, it is guildgate.

Izzet Keyrune

Izzet Keyrune
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 3 Color: Colorless Type: Artifact Rarity: U Number: 230 Artist: Daniel Ljunggren Text: {T}: Add {U} or {R} to your mana pool. {U}{R}: Until end of turn, Izzet Keyrune becomes a 2/1 blue and red Elemental artifact creature. Whenever Izzet Keyrune deals combat damage to a player, you may draw a card. If you do, discard a card.

: Yes, it is definitely keyrune.

Izzet Staticaster

Izzet Staticaster
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 3 Color: Multicolor Type: Creature Sub Type: Human Wizard Rarity: U Number: 173 Artist: Scott M. Fischer Power: 0 Toughness: 3 Text: Flash (You may cast this spell any time you could cast an instant.) Haste {T}: Izzet Staticaster deals 1 damage to target creature and each other creature with the same name as that creature.

: Ug, stop bothering me with questions. Go ask your mother.

Jace, Architect of Thought

Jace, Architect of Thought

Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 4 Color: Blue Type: Planeswalker Sub Type: Jace Rarity: M Number: 44 Artist: Jaime Jones Text: +1: Until your next turn, whenever a creature an opponent controls attacks, it gets -1/-0 until end of turn. -2: Reveal the top three cards of your library. An opponent separates those cards into two piles. Put one pile into your hand and the other on the bottom of your library in any order. -8: For each player, search that player's library for a nonland card and exile it, then that player shuffles his or her library. You may cast those cards without paying their mana costs.

: Next time try netdecking yourself a personality.

Jarad's Orders

Jarad's Orders
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 4 Color: Multicolor Type: Sorcery Rarity: R Number: 175 Artist: Svetlin Velinov Text: Search your library for up to two creature cards and reveal them. Put one into your hand and the other into your graveyard. Then shuffle your library.

: Puzzling the entire platoon, Jarad's orders contained only three words. “Eat at Subway”.

Jarad, Golgari Lich Lord

Jarad, Golgari Lich Lord

Set: Duel Decks Izzet vs. Golgari Cost: 4 Color: Multicolor Type: Legendary Creature Sub Type: — Zombie Elf Rarity: M Number: 45 Artist: Svetlin Velinov Power: 2 Toughness: 2 Text: Jarad, Golgari Lich Lord gets +1/+1 for each creature card in your graveyard. {1}{B}{G}, Sacrifice another creature: Each opponent loses life equal to the sacrificed creature's power. Sacrifice a Swamp and a Forest: Return Jarad from your graveyard to your hand.

: After wearing the wool sweater his mother got him for Christmas, Jarad's generals continually referred to him as Jarad, Golgari Itch Lord. Jarad's army now contains no generals.

Judge's Familiar

Judge's Familiar
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 5 Color: Multicolor Type: Creature Sub Type: Bird Rarity: U Number: 218 Artist: Jack Wang Power: 1 Toughness: 1 Text: Flying Sacrifice Judge's Familiar: Counter target instant or sorcery spell unless its controller pays {1}.

: One drop bird in the deck, Larry Bird in the face.

Keening Apparition

Keening Apparition
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: White Type: Creature Sub Type: Spirit Rarity: C Number: 12 Artist: Terese Nielsen Power: 2 Toughness: 2 Text: Sacrifice Keening Apparition: Destroy target enchantment.

: This is your favorite? When the short bus dropped you off at school, did the driver ever get fined for littering?

Knightly Valor

Knightly Valor
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 5 Color: White Type: Enchantment Sub Type: Aura Rarity: C Number: 13 Artist: Matt Stewart Text: Enchant creature When Knightly Valor enters the battlefield, put a 2/2 white Knight creature token with vigilance onto the battlefield. Enchanted creature gets +2/+2 and has vigilance.

: That reminds me, my favorite part of Beowulf was when he slayed you. Fine bit of acting, chief, you should be proud.

Korozda Guildmage

Korozda Guildmage

Set: Duel Decks Izzet vs. Golgari Cost: 2 Color: Multicolor Type: Creature Sub Type: — Elf Shaman Rarity: U Number: 52 Artist: Ryan Pancoast Power: 2 Toughness: 2 Text: {1}{B}{G}: Target creature gets +1/+1 and gains intimidate until end of turn. {2}{B}{G}, Sacrifice a nontoken creature: Put X 1/1 green Saproling creature tokens onto the battlefield, where X is the sacrificed creature's toughness.

: The best part of this card is the fact that it can sacrifice itself, ending its own miserable existence. .

Korozda Monitor

Korozda Monitor
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 4 Color: Green Type: Creature Sub Type: Lizard Rarity: C Number: 129 Artist: Lars Grant-West Power: 3 Toughness: 3 Text: Trample Scavenge {5}{G}{G} ({5}{G}{G}, Exile this card from your graveyard: Put a number of +1/+1 counters equal to this card's power on target creature. Scavenge only as a sorcery.)

: It's a monitor. You know, like what the police does to you when you're in a school zone.

Launch Party

Launch Party
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 4 Color: Black Type: Instant Rarity: C Number: 69 Artist: Lucas Graciano Text: As an additional cost to cast Launch Party, sacrifice a creature. Destroy target creature. Its controller loses 2 life.

: Did you pick this card just because it sounds a lot like “lunch”? Great. Now take your hoveround back to the buffet.

Lobber Crew

Lobber Crew
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 3 Color: Red Type: Creature Sub Type: Goblin Warrior Rarity: C Number: 99 Artist: Greg Staples Power: 0 Toughness: 4 Text: Defender {T}: Lobber Crew deals 1 damage to each opponent. Whenever you cast a multicolored spell, untap Lobber Crew.

: Don't you hate it when you get a song stuck in your head and it just plays over and over again until it stifles your every waking thought? She's just a small town girl.

Lotleth Troll

Lotleth Troll
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: Multicolor Type: Creature Sub Type: Zombie Troll Rarity: R Number: 177 Artist: Vincent Proce Power: 2 Toughness: 1 Text: Trample Discard a creature card: Put a +1/+1 counter on Lotleth Troll. {B}: Regenerate Lotleth Troll.

: Why do I feel like you're trolling me with this pick?

Loxodon Smiter

Loxodon Smiter
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 3 Color: Multicolor Type: Creature Sub Type: Elephant Soldier Rarity: R Number: 178 Artist: Ryan Barger Power: 4 Toughness: 4 Text: Loxodon Smiter can't be countered. If a spell or ability an opponent controls causes you to discard Loxodon Smiter, put it onto the battlefield instead of putting it into your graveyard.

: It can't be countered. Too bad neither can your taste in cards..

Lyev Skyknight

Lyev Skyknight
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 3 Color: Multicolor Type: Creature Sub Type: Human Knight Rarity: U Number: 179 Artist: Johannes Voss Power: 3 Toughness: 1 Text: Flying When Lyev Skyknight enters the battlefield, detain target nonland permanent an opponent controls. (Until your next turn, that permanent can't attack or block and its activated abilities can't be activated.)

: Lyev saw the Lyev skyknight in the night sky. It was the skynight sky. The night skynight sky held the Lyev Skyknight

Lyev Skyknight
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 3 Color: Multicolor Type: Creature Sub Type: Human Knight Rarity: U Number: 179 Artist: Johannes Voss Power: 3 Toughness: 1 Text: Flying When Lyev Skyknight enters the battlefield, detain target nonland permanent an opponent controls. (Until your next turn, that permanent can't attack or block and its activated abilities can't be activated.)

where Lyev saw it while standing next to his brother Saw. Saw and Lyev saw the Lyev skyknight saw apart a part of the night skynight sky.

Mana Bloom

Mana Bloom

Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 1 Color: Green Type: Enchantment Rarity: R Number: 130 Artist: Mike Bierek Text: Mana Bloom enters the battlefield with X charge counters on it. Remove a charge counter from Mana Bloom: Add one mana of any color to your mana pool. Activate this ability only once each turn. At the beginning of your upkeep, if Mana Bloom has no charge counters on it, return it to its owner's hand.

: Who doesn't like more power? I mean besides your frontal lobe.

Martial Law

Martial Law
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 4 Color: White Type: Enchantment Rarity: R Number: 14 Artist: Tyler Jacobson Text: At the beginning of your upkeep, detain target creature an opponent controls. (Until your next turn, that creature can't attack or block and its activated abilities can't be activated.)

: Walmart cashier is not technically a “lifestyle”.

Mercurial Chemister

Mercurial Chemister
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 5 Color: Multicolor Type: Creature Sub Type: Human Wizard Rarity: R Number: 180 Artist: Wesley Burt Power: 2 Toughness: 3 Text: {U}, {T}: Draw two cards. {R}, {T}, Discard a card: Mercurial Chemister deals damage to target creature equal to the discarded card's converted mana cost.

: You're a Scorpio with Jupiter rising. What that means is that you smell bad and nobody likes you.

Mind Rot

Mind Rot
	Set: Portal Second Age Cost: 3 Color: Black Type: Sorcery Rarity: C Artist: Douglas Shuler Text: Your opponent chooses and discards two cards from his or her hand. (If your opponent has only one card, he or she discards it.)

: You will soon develop a superpower and will use it to fight for justice. Unfortunately your superpower will be ultrasonic scrapbooking.

Minotaur Aggressor

Minotaur Aggressor
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 7 Color: Red Type: Creature Sub Type: Minotaur Berserker Rarity: U Number: 100 Artist: Lucas Graciano Power: 6 Toughness: 2 Text: First strike, haste

: Ah, ancient Greece. A simpler time with a guy with a cow head struck fear in the hearts of man. Personally, I'm only afraid of monsters I can't make cheese with.

Mizzium Mortars

Mizzium Mortars
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: Red Type: Sorcery Rarity: R Number: 101 Artist: Noah Bradley Text: Mizzium Mortars deals 4 damage to target creature you don't control. Overload {3}{R}{R}{R} (You may cast this spell for its overload cost. If you do, change its text by replacing all instances of "target" with "each.")

: You will soon have a day where you will say to yourself more than once “Why is that beaver in that Ford Focus?”

Mizzium Skin

Mizzium Skin
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 1 Color: Blue Type: Instant Rarity: C Number: 45 Artist: Scott Chou Text: Target creature you control gets +0/+1 and gains hexproof until end of turn. Overload {1}{U} (You may cast this spell for its overload cost. If you do, change its text by replacing all instances of "target" with "each.")

: What do you miss most about High School, besides your neck?

Necropolis Regent

Necropolis Regent
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 6 Color: Black Type: Creature Sub Type: Vampire Rarity: M Number: 71 Artist: Winona Nelson Power: 6 Toughness: 5 Text: Flying Whenever a creature you control deals combat damage to a player, put that many +1/+1 counters on it.

: You're probably going to die some day. I asked the heavens when that will be and they only replied with pleas to “pull my finger”. Woe unto you if you pull the heavens' finger.

New Prahv Guildmage

New Prahv Guildmage
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: Multicolor Type: Creature Sub Type: Human Wizard Rarity: U Number: 181 Artist: Karl Kopinski Power: 2 Toughness: 2 Text: {W}{U}: Target creature gains flying until end of turn. {3}{W}{U}: Detain target nonland permanent an opponent controls. (Until your next turn, that permanent can't attack or block and its activated abilities can't be activated.)

: Even old New Prahv Guildmage

New Prahv Guildmage
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: Multicolor Type: Creature Sub Type: Human Wizard Rarity: U Number: 181 Artist: Karl Kopinski Power: 2 Toughness: 2 Text: {W}{U}: Target creature gains flying until end of turn. {3}{W}{U}: Detain target nonland permanent an opponent controls. (Until your next turn, that permanent can't attack or block and its activated abilities can't be activated.)

was once New Amsterdam. Why they changed it I can't say, but nobody likes it better that way. This is a terrible card. Prahv

Prahv
	Set: Planechase 2012 Edition Cost: 0 Color: Colorless Type: Plane Sub Type: Ravnica Rarity: C Number: 31 Artist: Drew Baker Text: If you cast a spell this turn, you can't attack with creatures. If you attacked with creatures this turn, you can't cast spells. Whenever you roll chaos, you gain life equal to the number of cards in your hand.

s will never be giants.

Niv-Mizzet, Dracogenius

Niv-Mizzet, Dracogenius
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 6 Color: Multicolor Type: Legendary Creature Sub Type: Dragon Wizard Rarity: M Number: 183 Artist: Todd Lockwood Power: 5 Toughness: 5 Text: Flying Whenever Niv-Mizzet, Dracogenius deals damage to a player, you may draw a card. {U}{R}: Niv-Mizzet, Dracogenius deals 1 damage to target creature or player.

: You will develop the ability to fire laser beams from your eyes. Too bad they will only fire towards the back of your head.

Nivix Guildmage

Nivix Guildmage
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: Multicolor Type: Creature Sub Type: Human Wizard Rarity: U Number: 182 Artist: Scott M. Fischer Power: 2 Toughness: 2 Text: {1}{U}{R}: Draw a card, then discard a card. {2}{U}{R}: Copy target instant or sorcery spell you control. You may choose new targets for the copy.

: This card will soon be a staple in Modern storm decks. None that actually win, but the other ones.

Nivmagus Elemental

Nivmagus Elemental
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 5 Color: Multicolor Type: Creature Sub Type: Elemental Rarity: R Number: 219 Artist: Mike Bierek Power: 1 Toughness: 2 Text: Exile an instant or sorcery spell you control: Put two +1/+1 counters on Nivmagus Elemental. (That spell won't resolve.)

: This card actually is a staple for Modern storm decks. Modern: for those players with lots of money that can't be bothered with the fourth turn.

Oak Street Innkeeper

Oak Street Innkeeper
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 3 Color: Green Type: Creature Sub Type: Elf Rarity: U Number: 131 Artist: Svetlin Velinov Power: 1 Toughness: 2 Text: As long as it's not your turn, tapped creatures you control have hexproof.

: The art on this card depicts the innkeeper moments before the vicious wild dog attack which ended her innkeeping.

Ogre Jailbreaker

Ogre Jailbreaker
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 4 Color: Black Type: Creature Sub Type: Ogre Rogue Rarity: C Number: 72 Artist: Karl Kopinski Power: 4 Toughness: 4 Text: Defender Ogre Jailbreaker can attack as though it didn't have defender as long as you control a Gate.

: No gates = in jail. Gates = broken out of jail. WHAT?!?

Overgrown Tomb

Overgrown Tomb
	Set: Ravnica City of Guilds Color: Land Type: Land Sub Type: Swamp Forest Rarity: R Number: 279 Artist: Rob Alexander Text: (T: Add B or G to your mana pool.) As Overgrown Tomb comes into play, you may pay 2 life. If you don’t, Overgrown Tomb comes into play tapped instead.

: Oh great, you put Spiritmonger

Spiritmonger
	Set: Apocalypse Cost: 5 Color: Multicolor Type: Creature Sub Type: Beast Rarity: R Number: 121 Artist: Glen Angus Power: 6 Toughness: 6 Text: Whenever Spiritmonger deals damage to a creature, put a +1/+1 counter on Spiritmonger. B: Regenerate Spiritmonger. G: Spiritmonger becomes the color of your choice until end of turn.

in your deck and won the game. What a great victory for you. What are you doing this weekend, boxing a paraplegic? Hey I have a real inspired deck idea for you: four Skullclamp

Skullclamp
	Set: Darksteel Cost: 1 Color: Colorless Type: Artifact Sub Type: Equipment Rarity: U Number: 140 Artist: Luca Zontini Text: Equipped creature gets +1/-1. Whenever equipped creature is put in a graveyard from play, draw two cards. Equip 1 (1: Attach to target creature you control. Equip only as a sorcery. This card comes into play unattached and stays in play if the creature leaves play.)

and 54 other cards.

Pack Rat

Pack Rat
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: Black Type: Creature Sub Type: Rat Rarity: R Number: 73 Artist: Kev Walker Power: * Toughness: * Text: Pack Rat's power and toughness are each equal to the number of Rats you control. {2}{B}, Discard a card: Put a token onto the battlefield that's a copy of Pack Rat.

: It's so great to finally meet one of the cast of Hoarders.

Palisade Giant

Palisade Giant
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 6 Color: White Type: Creature Sub Type: Giant Soldier Rarity: R Number: 15 Artist: Greg Staples Power: 2 Toughness: 7 Text: All damage that would be dealt to you or another permanent you control is dealt to Palisade Giant instead.

: The palisade's first defense against stuff that some tall jerk put on top of the fridge where they can't reach it. Muggsy Bogues has protection from this card.

Paralyzing Grasp

Paralyzing Grasp
	Set: Zendikar Cost: 3 Color: Blue Type: Enchantment Sub Type: Aura Rarity: C Number: 58 Artist: Izzy Text: Enchant creature Enchanted creature doesn't untap during its controller's untap step.

: If this is your favorite card in the set, see the description under Racecourse Fury

Racecourse Fury
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 1 Color: Red Type: Enchantment Sub Type: Aura Rarity: U Number: 104 Artist: Sam Burley Text: Enchant land Enchanted land has "{T}: Target creature gains haste until end of turn."

.

Perilous Shadow

Perilous Shadow
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 4 Color: Black Type: Creature Sub Type: Insect Shade Rarity: C Number: 74 Artist: Clint Cearley Power: 0 Toughness: 4 Text: {1}{B}: Perilous Shadow gets +2/+2 until end of turn.

: If this is your favorite card in the set, then I don't even need to take up two cards to make my point. See the description under Perilous Shadow

Perilous Shadow
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 4 Color: Black Type: Creature Sub Type: Insect Shade Rarity: C Number: 74 Artist: Clint Cearley Power: 0 Toughness: 4 Text: {1}{B}: Perilous Shadow gets +2/+2 until end of turn.

.

Phantom General

Phantom General
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 4 Color: White Type: Creature Sub Type: Spirit Soldier Rarity: U Number: 16 Artist: Christopher Moeller Power: 2 Toughness: 3 Text: Creature tokens you control get +1/+1.

: That last one kept you busy for hours, didn't it?

Pithing Needle

Pithing Needle
	Set: Saviors of Kamigawa Color: Colorless Rarity: R

: Say the name of this card in an annoying, high-pitched voice. Then laugh as loud as you possibly can. Make sure no one else is laughing when you do this. (This joke written by Mike Flores, Master Comedian) (tm)

Precinct Captain

Precinct Captain
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: White Type: Creature Sub Type: Human Soldier Rarity: R Number: 17 Artist: Steve Prescott Power: 2 Toughness: 2 Text: First strike Whenever Precinct Captain deals combat damage to a player, put a 1/1 white Soldier creature token onto the battlefield.

: He pulls the precinct detectives into his office and gives them a tough love speech, yells “You're off the case”, and takes their precinct guns and precinct badges just before the third act. Eventually the plucky precinct detectives begin to work together again and rediscover the working relationship they once had before all this started with the generic drug runners who are taking over the city. Revitalized, they solve the case, but not before a few explosions which do not result in any civilian casualties for no explainable reason.

Psychic Spiral

Psychic Spiral
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 5 Color: Blue Type: Instant Rarity: U Number: 47 Artist: Ryan Pancoast Text: Shuffle all cards from your graveyard into your library. Target player puts that many cards from the top of his or her library into his or her graveyard.

: If you cast this and shuffle it into your library as part of the resolution, I will find you and make you pay.

Pursuit of Flight

Pursuit of Flight
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: Red Type: Enchantment Sub Type: Aura Rarity: C Number: 102 Artist: Christopher Moeller Text: Enchant creature Enchanted creature gets +2/+2 and has "{U}: This creature gains flying until end of turn."

: On second thought, go ahead and shuffle Psychic Spiral

Psychic Spiral
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 5 Color: Blue Type: Instant Rarity: U Number: 47 Artist: Ryan Pancoast Text: Shuffle all cards from your graveyard into your library. Target player puts that many cards from the top of his or her library into his or her graveyard.

into your deck. I'll probably be too busy winning with actual good cards to care.

Pyroconvergence

Pyroconvergence
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 5 Color: Red Type: Enchantment Rarity: U Number: 103 Artist: Jack Wang Text: Whenever you cast a multicolored spell, Pyroconvergence deals 2 damage to target creature or player.

: If you really apply yourself, you can make this terrible card even worse.

Racecourse Fury

Racecourse Fury
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 1 Color: Red Type: Enchantment Sub Type: Aura Rarity: U Number: 104 Artist: Sam Burley Text: Enchant land Enchanted land has "{T}: Target creature gains haste until end of turn."

: If this is your favorite card in the set, see the description under Paralyzing Grasp

Paralyzing Grasp
	Set: Zendikar Cost: 3 Color: Blue Type: Enchantment Sub Type: Aura Rarity: C Number: 58 Artist: Izzy Text: Enchant creature Enchanted creature doesn't untap during its controller's untap step.

.

Rakdos Cackler

Rakdos Cackler
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 5 Color: Multicolor Type: Creature Sub Type: Devil Rarity: U Number: 220 Artist: Ryan Barger Power: 1 Toughness: 1 Text: Unleash (You may have this creature enter the battlefield with a +1/+1 counter on it. It can't block as long as it has a +1/+1 counter on it.)

: Rack those cacklers, sucka. Rack em good.

Rakdos Charm

Rakdos Charm
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: Multicolor Type: Instant Rarity: U Number: 184 Artist: Zoltan Boros Text: Choose one — Exile all cards from target player's graveyard; or destroy target artifact; or each creature deals 1 damage to its controller.

: This card has a lot of flexibility and gives you many options as to how and by what means you're going to decidedly lose this game.

Rakdos Guildgate

Rakdos Guildgate
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 0 Color: Colorless Type: Land Sub Type: Gate Rarity: C Number: 244 Artist: Eytan Zana Text: Rakdos Guildgate enters the battlefield tapped. {T}: Add {B} or {R} to your mana pool.

: No one is going to pick this card. I'd rather use this space to immortalize a neat little Mayan dirty limerick: There once was a man from Xunantunich ; With a loin cloth so long you could perform many acts of human sacrifice in its honor ; He wrote about baktuns ; He died from dysentery ; Now we're all happy because he was a jerk. (it sounds better in the original Zap

Zap
	Set: Invasion Cost: 3 Color: Red Type: Instant Rarity: C Number: 180 Artist: John Matson Text: Zap deals 1 damage to target creature or player.Draw a card.

otec)

Rakdos Keyrune

Rakdos Keyrune
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 3 Color: Colorless Type: Artifact Rarity: U Number: 232 Artist: Daniel Ljunggren Text: {T}: Add {B} or {R} to your mana pool. {B}{R}: Rakdos Keyrune becomes a 3/1 black and red Devil artifact creature with first strike until end of turn.

: In space, no one can hear your deck scream when you throw four of these stupid things in.

Rakdos Ragemutt

Rakdos Ragemutt
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 5 Color: Multicolor Type: Creature Sub Type: Elemental Hound Rarity: U Number: 185 Artist: Ryan Barger Power: 3 Toughness: 3 Text: Lifelink, haste

: There's no bad dogs, just bad owners. Of course that's wrong. This is a bad card, and you're a bad owner.

Rakdos Ringleader

Rakdos Ringleader
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 6 Color: Multicolor Type: Creature Sub Type: Skeleton Warrior Rarity: U Number: 186 Artist: Jason Felix Power: 3 Toughness: 1 Text: First strike Whenever Rakdos Ringleader deals combat damage to a player, that player discards a card at random. {B}: Regenerate Rakdos Ringleader.

: Experts say that as a rule of thumb you should spend three month's salary on a ringleader. Hopefully if you're buying this card your annual income isn't more than a nickel.

Rakdos Shred-Freak

Rakdos Shred-Freak
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 10 Color: Multicolor Type: Creature Sub Type: Human Berserker Rarity: C Number: 221 Artist: Wayne Reynolds Power: 2 Toughness: 1 Text: Haste

: I love cards that can get taken out when chump blocked by a fricking homunculus token.

Rakdos's Return

Rakdos's Return
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: Multicolor Type: Sorcery Rarity: M Number: 188 Artist: Daarken Text: Rakdos's Return deals X damage to target opponent. That player discards X cards.

: The year 2018 is approaching fast. This has no bearing on your life, but it's almost here, dude. Whoa.

Rakdos, Lord of Riots

Rakdos, Lord of Riots
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 4 Color: Multicolor Type: Legendary Creature Sub Type: Demon Rarity: M Number: 187 Artist: Vincent Proce Power: 6 Toughness: 6 Text: You can't cast Rakdos, Lord of Riots unless an opponent lost life this turn. Flying, trample Creature spells you cast cost {1} less to cast for each 1 life your opponents have lost this turn.

: Have you ever actually played with this thing? It's like vaporware, tons of hype, no follow through.

Rest in Peace

Rest in Peace
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: White Type: Enchantment Rarity: R Number: 18 Artist: Terese Nielsen Text: When Rest in Peace enters the battlefield, exile all cards from all graveyards. If a card or token would be put into a graveyard from anywhere, exile it instead.

: You'll have some good luck this week. The police might not draw a chalk outline around your lunch when you finish eating it.

Righteous Authority

Righteous Authority
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 5 Color: Multicolor Type: Enchantment Sub Type: Aura Rarity: R Number: 189 Artist: Scott Chou Text: Enchant creature Enchanted creature gets +1/+1 for each card in its controller's hand. At the beginning of the draw step of enchanted creature's controller, that player draws an additional card.

: The most hated mechanic in the history of the game has been replaced. At least since you stopped fixing cars.

Risen Sanctuary

Risen Sanctuary
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 7 Color: Multicolor Type: Creature Sub Type: Elemental Rarity: U Number: 190 Artist: Chase Stone Power: 8 Toughness: 8 Text: Vigilance

: This card should really just read “When Risen Sanctuary

Risen Sanctuary
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 7 Color: Multicolor Type: Creature Sub Type: Elemental Rarity: U Number: 190 Artist: Chase Stone Power: 8 Toughness: 8 Text: Vigilance

enters the battlefield, flip a coin. If you lose the flip, set this card on fire. If you win the flip, set this card on fire.”

Rites of Reaping

Rites of Reaping
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 6 Color: Multicolor Type: Sorcery Rarity: U Number: 191 Artist: David Rapoza Text: Target creature gets +3/+3 until end of turn. Another target creature gets -3/-3 until end of turn.

: You have a very bright future. Like, really really bright. Oh wait, that's an atomic bomb. Okay, dark future, really really dark.

Rix Maadi Guildmage

Rix Maadi Guildmage
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: Multicolor Type: Creature Sub Type: Human Shaman Rarity: U Number: 192 Artist: Karl Kopinski Power: 2 Toughness: 2 Text: {B}{R}: Target blocking creature gets -1/-1 until end of turn. {B}{R}: Target player who lost life this turn loses 1 life.

: Did you ever wonder why you always see fat bums? Weird. What are they eating? Tears?

Rogue's Passage

Rogue's Passage
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 0 Color: Colorless Type: Land Rarity: U Number: 245 Artist: Christine Choi Text: {T}: Add {1} to your mana pool. {4}, {T}: Target creature is unblockable this turn.

: In your future I see the woman of your dreams playing a prominent role in your life. Unfortunately she'll be the detective investigating your untimely death by salisbury steak-based asphyxiation.

Rootborn Defenses

Rootborn Defenses
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 3 Color: White Type: Instant Rarity: C Number: 19 Artist: Mark Zug Text: Populate. Creatures you control are indestructible this turn. (To populate, put a token onto the battlefield that's a copy of a creature token you control. Damage and effects that say "destroy" don't destroy indestructible creatures.)

: Good news for you, as in the year 2020 you'll become the figurehead of your own religion which will last for thousands of years when enterprising members of your community find your journals posthumously and found don't-be-like-this-idiot-ism or nomoronanity.

Rubbleback Rhino

Rubbleback Rhino
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 5 Color: Green Type: Creature Sub Type: Rhino Rarity: C Number: 132 Artist: Johann Bodin Power: 3 Toughness: 4 Text: Hexproof (This creature can't be the target of spells or abilities your opponents control.)

: Your opponents can't target it, but there's no reason they'd want to. What a terrible card.

Runewing

Runewing
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 4 Color: Blue Type: Creature Sub Type: Bird Rarity: C Number: 48 Artist: Martina Pilcerova Power: 2 Toughness: 2 Text: Flying When Runewing dies, draw a card.

: What do you think a bath in Lysol would feel like? Probably like drinking a bottle of mouthwash and staying home forever. You should test that theory. Share your results with your flies.

Savage Surge

Savage Surge
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: Green Type: Instant Rarity: U Number: 133 Artist: Svetlin Velinov Text: Target creature gets +2/+2 until end of turn. Untap that creature.

: Really? Who has a ferret for a pet anymore? It's like owning a tube of failure with tiny legs.

Search the City

Search the City

Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 5 Color: Blue Type: Enchantment Rarity: R Number: 49 Artist: Jack Wang Text: When Search the City enters the battlefield, exile the top five cards of your library. Whenever you play a card with the same name as one of the exiled cards, you may put one of those cards with that name into its owner's hand. Then if there are no cards exiled with Search the City, sacrifice it. If you do, take an extra turn after this one.

: We get it, you're a unique snowflake. Now let us all get back to what we were doing: waiting for the plow.

Search Warrant

Search Warrant
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: Multicolor Type: Sorcery Rarity: C Number: 193 Artist: Steven Belledin Text: Target player reveals his or her hand. You gain life equal to the number of cards in that player's hand.

: Don't bother looking at your opponent's hand, just assume you're going to lose as per usual.

Security Blockade

Security Blockade
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 3 Color: White Type: Enchantment Sub Type: Aura Rarity: U Number: 20 Artist: James Ryman Text: Enchant land When Security Blockade enters the battlefield, put a 2/2 white Knight creature token with vigilance onto the battlefield. Enchanted land has "{T}: Prevent the next 1 damage that would be dealt to you this turn."

: This is actually a scratch and sniff card. A single scratch will release the potent musk of a security guard's underthings. From your friends at Wizards, enjoy.

Seek the Horizon

Seek the Horizon
	Set: Saviors of Kamigawa Cost: 4 Color: Green Type: Sorcery Rarity: U Text: Search your library for up to three basic land cards, reveal them, and put them into your hand. Then shuffle your library.

: Seek a life.

Selesnya Charm

Selesnya Charm
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: Multicolor Type: Instant Rarity: U Number: 194 Artist: Zoltan Boros Text: Choose one — Target creature gets +2/+2 and gains trample until end of turn; or exile target creature with power 5 or greater; or put a 2/2 white Knight creature token with vigilance onto the battlefield.

: Ever wonder why people who have never seen Doctor Who call you TARDIS? I don't.

Selesnya Guildgate

Selesnya Guildgate
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 0 Color: Colorless Type: Land Sub Type: Gate Rarity: C Number: 246 Artist: Howard Lyon Text: Selesnya Guildgate enters the battlefield tapped. {T}: Add {G} or {W} to your mana pool.

: How many of these stupid gates are in this set? They're terrible and you're terrible and these things should be shoved under a short table leg somewhere.

Selesnya Keyrune

Selesnya Keyrune
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 3 Color: Colorless Type: Artifact Rarity: U Number: 233 Artist: Daniel Ljunggren Text: {T}: Add {G} or {W} to your mana pool. {G}{W}: Selesnya Keyrune becomes a 3/3 green and white Wolf artifact creature until end of turn.

: Hippies don't need keys, man. Keys are a symbol of the fascist oligarchy, ya dig? This key's only use is to lock the chains attaching you to a tree before you swallow it. Don't let the man get you down.

Selesnya Sentry

Selesnya Sentry
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 3 Color: White Type: Creature Sub Type: Elephant Soldier Rarity: C Number: 21 Artist: Wesley Burt Power: 3 Toughness: 2 Text: {5}{G}: Regenerate Selesnya Sentry.

: The Selesnya usually don't sentry anything but the parking lot before a big Phish show.

Seller of Songbirds

Seller of Songbirds
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 3 Color: White Type: Creature Sub Type: Human Rarity: C Number: 22 Artist: Christopher Moeller Power: 1 Toughness: 2 Text: When Seller of Songbirds enters the battlefield, put a 1/1 white Bird creature token with flying onto the battlefield.

: He's not dead, he's pining for the fjords.

Sewer Shambler

Sewer Shambler
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 3 Color: Black Type: Creature Sub Type: Zombie Rarity: C Number: 75 Artist: Nils Hamm Power: 2 Toughness: 1 Text: Swampwalk (This creature is unblockable as long as defending player controls a Swamp.) Scavenge {2}{B} ({2}{B}, Exile this card from your graveyard: Put a number of +1/+1 counters equal to this card's power on target creature. Scavenge only as a sorcery.)

: You will soon discover a wormhole leading you on a magical journey into another plane of existence. Hopefully one where this is actually a good card.

Shrieking Affliction

Shrieking Affliction
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 1 Color: Black Type: Enchantment Rarity: U Number: 76 Artist: Johann Bodin Text: At the beginning of each opponent's upkeep, if that player has one or fewer cards in hand, he or she loses 3 life.

: Whatever you do in life, remember that a ghillie suit is not acceptable workplace attire, even though it is casual Friday.

Skull Rend

Skull Rend
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 5 Color: Multicolor Type: Sorcery Rarity: C Number: 195 Artist: Greg Staples Text: Skull Rend deals 2 damage to each opponent. Those players each discard two cards at random.

: [Editor's note: This was removed for it's offensive nature. It was pretty bad. It made me blush. Okay, so really this one was just blank. Apparnetly the Mayans didn't play multiplayer. - Chewie]

Skyline Predator

Skyline Predator
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 6 Color: Blue Type: Creature Sub Type: Drake Rarity: U Number: 50 Artist: Wesley Burt Power: 3 Toughness: 4 Text: Flash (You may cast this spell any time you could cast an instant.) Flying

: It enters the battlefield as an instant one turn after you lose.

Skymark Roc

Skymark Roc
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 4 Color: Multicolor Type: Creature Sub Type: Bird Rarity: U Number: 196 Artist: Christopher Moeller Power: 3 Toughness: 3 Text: Flying Whenever Skymark Roc attacks, you may return target creature defending player controls with toughness 2 or less to its owner's hand.

: With this card you can return every creature which won't kill you back to your owner's hand.

Slaughter Games

Slaughter Games
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 4 Color: Multicolor Type: Sorcery Rarity: R Number: 197 Artist: Steve Prescott Text: Slaughter Games can't be countered by spells or abilities. Name a nonland card. Search target opponent's graveyard, hand, and library for any number of cards with that name and exile them. Then that player shuffles his or her library.

: This card is most dangerous in the hands of smart, perceptive people, the kind of person who would never play this card.

Slime Molding

Slime Molding
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 1 Color: Green Type: Sorcery Rarity: U Number: 135 Artist: Marco Nelor Text: Put an X/X green Ooze creature token onto the battlefield.

: You picked this because it reminds you of your bathroom, right? Your roommate should be on suicide watch.

Slitherhead

Slitherhead
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 5 Color: Multicolor Type: Creature Sub Type: Plant Zombie Rarity: U Number: 222 Artist: Greg Staples Power: 1 Toughness: 1 Text: Scavenge {0} ({0}, Exile this card from your graveyard: Put a number of +1/+1 counters equal to this card's power on target creature. Scavenge only as a sorcery.)

: This card is for people who will inevitably be eaten by their own pet snake.

Sluiceway Scorpion

Sluiceway Scorpion

Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 4 Color: Multicolor Type: Creature Sub Type: Scorpion Rarity: C Number: 198 Artist: Slawomir Maniak Power: 2 Toughness: 2 Text: Deathtouch (Any amount of damage this deals to a creature is enough to destroy it.) Scavenge {1}{B}{G} ({1}{B}{G}, Exile this card from your graveyard: Put a number of +1/+1 counters equal to this card's power on target creature. Scavenge only as a sorcery.)

: This is a card for Magic: the Gathering, a collectible card game. It is not an Iron Maiden

Iron Maiden
	Set: Urza's Legacy Cost: 3 Color: Colorless Type: Artifact Rarity: R Number: 127 Artist: Tom Wänerstrand Text: During each of your opponents' upkeeps, Iron Maiden deals 1 damage to that player for each card more than four in his or her hand.

album cover. Sorry

Sorry
	Set: Unglued Cost: 2 Color: Blue Type: Enchantment Rarity: U Number: 27 Artist: Kaja Foglio Text: Before playing any spell, if a copy of that spell card is in any graveyard, the spell's caster may say Sorry. If he or she does not, any other player may counter the spell by saying Sorry as it is cast.If any player says Sorry at any other time, Sorry deals 2 damage to that player.

, Jethro.

Slum Reaper

Slum Reaper
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 4 Color: Black Type: Creature Sub Type: Horror Rarity: U Number: 77 Artist: Karl Kopinski Power: 4 Toughness: 2 Text: When Slum Reaper enters the battlefield, each player sacrifices a creature.

: I'm sure you'll get paroled any day now.

Soul Tithe

Soul Tithe
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: White Type: Enchantment Sub Type: Aura Rarity: U Number: 23 Artist: Dave Kendall Text: Enchant nonland permanent At the beginning of the upkeep of enchanted permanent's controller, that player sacrifices it unless he or she pays {X}, where X is its converted mana cost.

: This is your choice? You have all the accuracy of a stormtrooper.

Soulsworn Spirit

Soulsworn Spirit
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 4 Color: Blue Type: Creature Sub Type: Spirit Rarity: U Number: 51 Artist: James Ryman Power: 2 Toughness: 1 Text: Soulsworn Spirit is unblockable. When Soulsworn Spirit enters the battlefield, detain target creature an opponent controls. (Until your next turn, that creature can't attack or block and its activated abilities can't be activated.)

: There are many ways to kill a man with this card. Not in the game, but actually kill a man in real life. In the game this card is as deadly as the pistol in Doom.

Spawn of Rix Maadi

Spawn of Rix Maadi
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 5 Color: Multicolor Type: Creature Sub Type: Horror Rarity: C Number: 199 Artist: Min Yum Power: 5 Toughness: 3 Text: Unleash (You may have this creature enter the battlefield with a +1/+1 counter on it. It can't block as long as it has a +1/+1 counter on it.)

: Please “unleash” some soap.

Sphere of Safety

Sphere of Safety
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 5 Color: White Type: Enchantment Rarity: U Number: 24 Artist: Slawomir Maniak Text: Creatures can't attack you or a planeswalker you control unless their controller pays {X} for each of those creatures, where X is the number of enchantments you control.

: Do yuo tink thers ayn such thin as adutl onset dylsexia?

Sphinx of the Chimes

Sphinx of the Chimes
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 6 Color: Blue Type: Creature Sub Type: Sphinx Rarity: R Number: 52 Artist: Greg Staples Power: 5 Toughness: 6 Text: Flying Discard two nonland cards with the same name: Draw four cards.

: Here's a riddle for you: How often will you have two nonland cards with the same name that you want to discard? The answer of course is when they're both named “Sphinx of the Chimes

Sphinx of the Chimes
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 6 Color: Blue Type: Creature Sub Type: Sphinx Rarity: R Number: 52 Artist: Greg Staples Power: 5 Toughness: 6 Text: Flying Discard two nonland cards with the same name: Draw four cards.

”.

Sphinx's Revelation

Sphinx's Revelation
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 3 Color: Multicolor Type: Instant Rarity: M Number: 200 Artist: Slawomir Maniak Text: You gain X life and draw X cards.

: Did you just spend eighty bucks on your playset? You'll never be as successful as your daddy. There, that revelation was free.

Splatter Thug

Splatter Thug
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 3 Color: Red Type: Creature Sub Type: Human Warrior Rarity: C Number: 105 Artist: Kev Walker Power: 2 Toughness: 2 Text: First strike Unleash (You may have this creature enter the battlefield with a +1/+1 counter on it. It can't block as long as it has a +1/+1 counter on it.)

: You will soon buy a house. Too bad it will be haunted with the ghost of Lawrence Welk. Try to enjoy your living room constantly filled with jaunty bubbles.

Stab Wound

Stab Wound
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 3 Color: Black Type: Enchantment Sub Type: Aura Rarity: C Number: 78 Artist: Scott Chou Text: Enchant creature Enchanted creature gets -2/-2. At the beginning of the upkeep of enchanted creature's controller, that player loses 2 life.

: Please stop writing vampire-themed poetry for the love of god.

Stealer of Secrets

Stealer of Secrets
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 3 Color: Blue Type: Creature Sub Type: Human Rogue Rarity: C Number: 53 Artist: Michael C. Hayes Power: 2 Toughness: 2 Text: Whenever Stealer of Secrets deals combat damage to a player, draw a card.

: You will soon be assaulted by a terrible smell and wonder if it's you. Trust me, it's you.

Steam Vents

Steam Vents
	Set: Guildpact Color: Land Type: Land Sub Type: Island Mountain Rarity: R Number: 164 Text: (T: Add U or R to your mana pool.) As Steam Vents comes into play, you may pay 2 life. If you don’t, Steam Vents comes into play tapped instead.

: You will live a long and healthy life and it will be a massive tragedy when you are eventually eaten by a herd of rabid ferrets.

Stonefare Crocodile

Stonefare Crocodile
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 3 Color: Green Type: Creature Sub Type: Crocodile Rarity: C Number: 136 Artist: Tomasz Jedruszek Power: 3 Toughness: 2 Text: {2}{B}: Stonefare Crocodile gains lifelink until end of turn. (Damage dealt by this creature also causes you to gain that much life.)

: Remember crocodile mile? You can spot the kids that had rocks in their yard by the scars on their stomachs. Wow, that hurt. I mean, that's what I'd imagine you could do because I'm an ancient Mayan dude. .

Street Spasm

Street Spasm
	Set: Duel Decks Izzet vs. Golgari Cost: 1 Color: Red Type: Instant Rarity: U Number: 30 Artist: Raymond Swanland Text: Street Spasm deals X damage to target creature without flying you don't control. Overload {X}{X}{R}{R} (You may cast this spell for its overload cost. If you do, change its text by replacing all instances of "target" with "each.")

: You will soon start an exciting new career in cat burglary. That is of course the delicate art of stealing cats. It won't be very profitable.

Street Sweeper

Street Sweeper
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 6 Color: Colorless Type: Artifact Creature Sub Type: Construct Rarity: U Number: 234 Artist: Izzy Power: 4 Toughness: 6 Text: Whenever Street Sweeper attacks, destroy all Auras attached to target land.

: The heavens have decided not to dignify this pick with a response.

Sundering Growth

Sundering Growth
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 10 Color: Multicolor Type: Instant Rarity: C Number: 223 Artist: David Palumbo Text: Destroy target artifact or enchantment, then populate. (Put a token onto the battlefield that's a copy of a creature token you control.)

: The heavens dignified this pick with a response, but I'm not dignifying it by recording the response.

Sunspire Griffin

Sunspire Griffin
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 3 Color: White Type: Creature Sub Type: Griffin Rarity: C Number: 25 Artist: Johannes Voss Power: 2 Toughness: 3 Text: Flying

: [The heavens dignified this pick with a response, I dignified it by recording a response, but then we decided not to dignify it by including it in this document -- the translators]

Supreme Verdict

Supreme Verdict
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 4 Color: Multicolor Type: Sorcery Rarity: R Number: 201 Artist: Sam Burley Text: Supreme Verdict can't be countered. Destroy all creatures.

: Hey, remember Wrath of God

Wrath of God
	Set: Revised Edition Cost: 4 Color: White Type: Sorcery Rarity: R Artist: Quinton Hoover Text: All creatures in play are buried.

? No you don't. That's the only excuse for this card to be your favorite. We all hope it was a relaxing coma.

Survey the Wreckage

Survey the Wreckage
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 5 Color: Red Type: Sorcery Rarity: C Number: 107 Artist: Warren Mahy Text: Destroy target land. Put a 1/1 red Goblin creature token onto the battlefield.

: ...of your life if you picked this card.

Swift Justice

Swift Justice
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 1 Color: White Type: Instant Rarity: C Number: 26 Artist: Karl Kopinski Text: Until end of turn, target creature gets +1/+0 and gains first strike and lifelink.

: That's how I like my Swift, with just ice, no water to step on the sweet metal flavor.

Syncopate

Syncopate
	Set: Odyssey Cost: 2 Color: Blue Type: Instant Rarity: C Number: 103 Artist: Pete Venters Text: Counter target spell unless its controller pays X. If that spell is countered this way, remove it from the game instead of putting it into its owner's graveyard.

: The movie “Supersize

Supersize
	Set: Unhinged Color: Green Type: Instant Rarity: C Number: 113 Artist: DiTerlizzi Text: Target creature gets +3½/+3½ until end of turn.

Me” was not an instruction manual.

Tablet of the Guilds

Tablet of the Guilds
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: Colorless Type: Artifact Rarity: U Number: 235 Artist: Nic Klein Text: As Tablet of the Guilds enters the battlefield, choose two colors. Whenever you cast a spell, if it's at least one of the chosen colors, you gain 1 life for each of the chosen colors it is.

: Humanity will forever remember your name, as in the year 2025 you will become the first person to jump off a curb and not survive the fall.

Tavern Swindler

Tavern Swindler
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: Black Type: Creature Sub Type: Human Rogue Rarity: U Number: 79 Artist: Cynthia Sheppard Power: 2 Toughness: 2 Text: {T}, Pay 3 life: Flip a coin. If you win the flip, you gain 6 life.

: You will finally find definitive proof of the existence of the Loch Ness monster when Nessie surfaces, gives you a wedgie, hits on your girlfriend, and puts Bengay in your jock strap. Nessie is actually a lot like the jocks from high school. What a jerk.

Teleportal

Teleportal
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: Multicolor Type: Sorcery Rarity: U Number: 202 Artist: Scott M. Fischer Text: Target creature you control gets +1/+0 until end of turn and is unblockable this turn. Overload {3}{U}{R} (You may cast this spell for its overload cost. If you do, change its text by replacing all instances of "target" with "each.")

: Every night around seven you cast overload on your couch.

Temple Garden

Temple Garden
	Set: Ravnica City of Guilds Color: Land Type: Land Sub Type: Forest Plains Rarity: R Number: 284 Artist: Rob Alexander Text: (T: Add G or W to your mana pool.) As Temple Garden comes into play, you may pay 2 life. If you don’t, Temple Garden comes into play tapped instead.

: Is it a garden that's a temple or a temple that has a garden? One thing's for sure: your taste in cards sucks.

Tenement Crasher

Tenement Crasher
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 6 Color: Red Type: Creature Sub Type: Beast Rarity: C Number: 108 Artist: Warren Mahy Power: 5 Toughness: 4 Text: Haste

: Don't you hate it when an ancient Mayan hottie wants to bunktek your xontugala, but really all you want to do is go behind the xochicalco and horqezla all night long? Man, that is the worst.

Terrus Wurm

Terrus Wurm
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 7 Color: Black Type: Creature Sub Type: Zombie Wurm Rarity: C Number: 80 Artist: Cliff Childs Power: 5 Toughness: 5 Text: Scavenge {6}{B} ({6}{B}, Exile this card from your graveyard: Put a number of +1/+1 counters equal to this card's power on target creature. Scavenge only as a sorcery.)

: You will soon make the exciting discovery of a new cheap, readily available energy source which will revolutionize the world and completely eliminate the threat of global warming. You will then immediately forget about it when you see something shiny.

Thoughtflare

Thoughtflare
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 5 Color: Multicolor Type: Instant Rarity: U Number: 203 Artist: David Rapoza Text: Draw four cards, then discard two cards.

: This is a fantastic choice for best card in the set. The card advantage is great, but where this card really shines is in the area of card economy. Just resolving one Thoughtflare

Thoughtflare
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 5 Color: Multicolor Type: Instant Rarity: U Number: 203 Artist: David Rapoza Text: Draw four cards, then discard two cards.

will ensure that you'll be able to untap with the best hand for any situation you find yourself in. Even better than that, if you don't find what you're looking for, chances are you'll be holding a second Thoughtflare

Thoughtflare
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 5 Color: Multicolor Type: Instant Rarity: U Number: 203 Artist: David Rapoza Text: Draw four cards, then discard two cards.

. I can see this being a real standout in control matches, and especially if a combo deck surfaces. Certainly with the amount of fetch lands in the format, even an off color combo deck can run a blue/red compliment to dig for answers or combo pieces. You are so smart. Smart and wise and handsome and you have a dynamite personality. Actually, I'm just stalling you until Chris Hansen can jump out of the garage. Maybe you can share your love of Thoughtflare

Thoughtflare
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 5 Color: Multicolor Type: Instant Rarity: U Number: 203 Artist: David Rapoza Text: Draw four cards, then discard two cards.

with your cellmate, creepo.

Thrill-Kill Assassin

Thrill-Kill Assassin
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: Black Type: Creature Sub Type: Human Assassin Rarity: U Number: 81 Artist: Tyler Jacobson Power: 1 Toughness: 2 Text: Deathtouch Unleash (You may have this creature enter the battlefield with a +1/+1 counter on it. It can't block as long as it has a +1/+1 counter on it.)

: You're going to have a huge career advancement coming your way in the near future. That's right, you can start calling yourself Mr. Vice Janitor.

Tower Drake

Tower Drake
	Set: Invasion Cost: 3 Color: Blue Type: Creature Sub Type: Drake Rarity: C Number: 82 Artist: Carl Critchlow Power: 2 Toughness: 1 Text: Flying W: Tower Drake gets +0/+1 until end of turn.

: You may or may not eventually be eaten by wild boars. I'm not saying.

Towering Indrik

Towering Indrik
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 4 Color: Green Type: Creature Sub Type: Beast Rarity: C Number: 137 Artist: Lars Grant-West Power: 2 Toughness: 4 Text: Reach (This creature can block creatures with flying.)

: History may forget you, but they'll never forget your smell.

Trained Caracal

Trained Caracal
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 1 Color: White Type: Creature Sub Type: Cat Rarity: C Number: 27 Artist: James Ryman Power: 1 Toughness: 1 Text: Lifelink (Damage dealt by this creature also causes you to gain that much life.)

: Tonight you will wake up and realize that your whole life was a very vivid dream. Then you will wake up and realize that that was a dream. Then you will wake up from that dream. This will continue until eventually you will realize that you shouldn't smoke black tar opium before bedtime.

Traitorous Instinct

Traitorous Instinct
	Set: Rise of the Eldrazi Cost: 4 Color: Red Type: Sorcery Rarity: U Number: 168 Artist: Scott Chou Text: Gain control of target creature until end of turn. Untap that creature. Until end of turn, it gets +2/+0 and gains haste.

: In the future you will be elected to office! That's right, get ready to be president of the United Shacks of the Big Hole Where Indianapolis Used to Be.

Transguild Promenade

Transguild Promenade
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 0 Color: Colorless Type: Land Rarity: C Number: 249 Artist: Noah Bradley Text: Transguild Promenade enters the battlefield tapped. When Transguild Promenade enters the battlefield, sacrifice it unless you pay {1}. {T}: Add one mana of any color to your mana pool.

: Promenade sounds like a sports drink you drink during high school dances.

Treasured Find

Treasured Find
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: Multicolor Type: Sorcery Rarity: U Number: 204 Artist: Jason Chan Text: Return target card from your graveyard to your hand. Exile Treasured Find.

: Ironically the name of this card never describes the user.

Trestle Troll

Trestle Troll
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 3 Color: Multicolor Type: Creature Sub Type: Troll Rarity: C Number: 205 Artist: Peter Mohrbacher Power: 1 Toughness: 4 Text: Defender Reach (This creature can block creatures with flying.) {1}{B}{G}: Regenerate Trestle Troll.

: Say the name of this card ten times as fast as you can. Then set it on fire so we don't have to look at this horrible trash anymore.

Trostani's Judgment

Trostani's Judgment
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 6 Color: White Type: Instant Rarity: C Number: 28 Artist: Christopher Moeller Text: Exile target creature, then populate. (Put a token onto the battlefield that's a copy of a creature token you control.)

: Hippies: always known for their great judgment.

Trostani, Selesnya's Voice

Trostani, Selesnya's Voice
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 4 Color: Multicolor Type: Legendary Creature Sub Type: Dryad Rarity: M Number: 206 Artist: Chippy Power: 2 Toughness: 5 Text: Whenever another creature enters the battlefield under your control, you gain life equal to that creature's toughness. {1}{G}{W}, {T}: Populate. (Put a token onto the battlefield that's a copy of a creature token you control.)

: I'd write some joke about how you probably own a String Cheese Incident album and wallpaper every room with Bob Marley posters, but you'd probably be too high to get it. Instead here's a picture of a peace sign made of mushrooms humping a pot leaf. [a lewd picture has been inserted here]

Ultimate Price

Ultimate Price
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: Black Type: Instant Rarity: U Number: 82 Artist: Karl Kopinski Text: Destroy target monocolored creature.

: On your budget? Somewhere around $2.50

Underworld Connections

Underworld Connections
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 3 Color: Black Type: Enchantment Sub Type: Aura Rarity: R Number: 83 Artist: Yeong-Hao Han Text: Enchant land Enchanted land has "{T}, Pay 1 life: Draw a card."

: Keep stockpiling guns and food, I'm sure the apocalypse is coming any day now. Just in case though, you probably should fire off a couple of rounds to make sure those guns actually work. If the cops show up, don't trust them. It's a trick. They probably just want your food.

Urban Burgeoning

Urban Burgeoning
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 1 Color: Green Type: Enchantment Sub Type: Aura Rarity: C Number: 138 Artist: Nic Klein Text: Enchant land Enchanted land has "Untap this land during each other player's untap step."

: You're headed for a rough week this week as your chakra and your karma align with your chi, causing what the Hindu community refers to as “reincarnuts”.

Utvara Hellkite

Utvara Hellkite
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 8 Color: Red Type: Creature Sub Type: Dragon Rarity: M Number: 110 Artist: Mark Zug Power: 6 Toughness: 6 Text: Flying Whenever a Dragon you control attacks, put a 6/6 red Dragon creature token with flying onto the battlefield.

: You get a slow play warning in six different states just for putting one of these in your deck.

Vandalblast

Vandalblast
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 1 Color: Red Type: Sorcery Rarity: U Number: 111 Artist: Seb McKinnon Text: Destroy target artifact you don't control. Overload {4}{R} (You may cast this spell for its overload cost. If you do, change its text by replacing all instances of "target" with "each.")

: Great job buying a playset, buddy. This card has a gloomier financial future than Greece. I hope your favorite kind of cheese is “government”.

Vassal Soul

Vassal Soul
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 11 Color: Multicolor Type: Creature Sub Type: Spirit Rarity: C Number: 224 Artist: Dan Scott Power: 2 Toughness: 2 Text: Flying

: Has anyone ever told you that you have all the sex appeal of Kuwaiti port-a-john?

Viashino Racketeer

Viashino Racketeer
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 3 Color: Red Type: Creature Sub Type: Viashino Rogue Rarity: C Number: 112 Artist: Slawomir Maniak Power: 2 Toughness: 1 Text: When Viashino Racketeer enters the battlefield, you may discard a card. If you do, draw a card.

: Behind your back, your friends call you Luis-Scrub Vargas.

Vitu-Ghazi Guildmage

Vitu-Ghazi Guildmage
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 2 Color: Multicolor Type: Creature Sub Type: Dryad Shaman Rarity: U Number: 207 Artist: Jason Chan Power: 2 Toughness: 2 Text: {4}{G}{W}: Put a 3/3 green Centaur creature token onto the battlefield. {2}{G}{W}: Populate. (Put a token onto the battlefield that's a copy of a creature token you control.)

: I see great success in your future. Mostly for the assassin trying to kill you.

Voidwielder

Voidwielder
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 5 Color: Blue Type: Creature Sub Type: Human Wizard Rarity: C Number: 56 Artist: Chase Stone Power: 1 Toughness: 4 Text: When Voidwielder enters the battlefield, you may return target creature to its owner's hand.

: Not to be confused with the Noidwielder, who vanquishes her foes with the power of annoying 80's commercials. Hoards of her enemies still roam Ravnica, hopelessly searching for the beef.

Volatile Rig

Volatile Rig

Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 4 Color: Colorless Type: Artifact Creature Sub Type: Construct Rarity: R Number: 236 Artist: Mathias Kollros Power: 4 Toughness: 4 Text: Trample Volatile Rig attacks each turn if able. Whenever Volatile Rig is dealt damage, flip a coin. If you lose the flip, sacrifice Volatile Rig. When Volatile Rig dies, flip a coin. If you lose the flip, it deals 4 damage to each creature and each player.

: How lovely. I've never seen anyone with a goatee on their teeth before. Did you leave a chromosome on the bus?

Vraska the Unseen

Vraska the Unseen

Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 5 Color: Multicolor Type: Planeswalker Sub Type: Vraska Rarity: M Number: 208 Artist: Aleksi Briclot Text: +1: Until your next turn, whenever a creature deals combat damage to Vraska the Unseen, destroy that creature. -3: Destroy target nonland permanent. -7: Put three 1/1 black Assassin creature tokens onto the battlefield with "Whenever this creature deals combat damage to a player, that player loses the game."

: She's totally sexy. Unless you've seen any other woman before.

Wayfaring Temple

Wayfaring Temple

Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 3 Color: Multicolor Type: Creature Sub Type: Elemental Rarity: R Number: 209 Artist: Peter Mohrbacher Power: * Toughness: * Text: Wayfaring Temple's power and toughness are each equal to the number of creatures you control. Whenever Wayfaring Temple deals combat damage to a player, populate. (Put a token onto the battlefield that's a copy of a creature token you control.)

: Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. That being said, this temple has man parts.

Wild Beastmaster

Wild Beastmaster
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 3 Color: Green Type: Creature Sub Type: Human Shaman Rarity: R Number: 139 Artist: Kev Walker Power: 1 Toughness: 1 Text: Whenever Wild Beastmaster attacks, each other creature you control gets +X/+X until end of turn, where X is Wild Beastmaster's power.

: Great choice! Tell you what, next time there's an election, stay home.

Worldspine Wurm

Worldspine Wurm
	Set: Return to Ravnica Cost: 11 Color: Green Type: Creature Sub Type: Wurm Rarity: M Number: 140 Artist: Richard Wright Power: 15 Toughness: 15 Text: Trample When Worldspine Wurm dies, put three 5/5 green Wurm creature tokens with trample onto the battlefield. When Worldspine Wurm is put into a graveyard from anywhere, shuffle it into its owner's library.

: Hi, Dirk. [Editor's note: If you don't get this, you should really be listening to The Mana Pool podcast. Just sayin'. - Chewie]

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