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This list needs to be put out so people know what not to do at a Pro Tour Qualifier. Magic is just a game - so have fun, but respect the other people at the tournament also - or I will hunt your smelly, cranky butt down and hose you off like an elephant at the zoo. So, if you are offended by the list - don't get mad, just face it, you need to change. I’m not perfect, but I have dignity.
AND NOW… THE TOP 10 THINGS NOT TO DO AT A PTQ!
10: Eat four sausage biscuits and large glass of pancake syrup for breakfast at Mickey D's (well knowing the consequences). I did not drive 3 hours to smell your nasty butt. Not only is fruit healthy for you, it makes a great start for the day, and doesn't make me want to kill you. Pop a “Gas-X” like an old lady (you probably play like one too).
9: Lie about your DCI rating. There is nothing worse than playing your opponent and hearing him talk about how high his DCI rating is. I think it's great that you think you are great, but I don't care. Hearing about your 1900 DCI rating doesn't make me scared - your breath does that well enough. If you are THAT awesome, you would already be qualified. Remember Therion Martin? HE lied and he is currently serving 6 years in the Magic State Penitentiary.
8: Proceed to talk about a bad deck you built, while playing the match. If I wanted to hear about your combo deck that only goes off once in a full moon, I would subscribe to your newsletter (the Weirdo Weekly). I don't care and that is the sad, sad truth. As you start to win more games, maybe people will start to care, but until then - play the game.
7: Keep playing after you start off 0-2. This is your cue to drop. It hurts, I know - but it is just not your day. There is always next time. Remember booster drafts are full of bad players to whoop on. If you are a bad player, you have my condolences.
6: Start the day off with 0-2 hours sleep. I have made this mistake too many times. Not only does it make you play worse, it always seems to attract annoying people to you. Without sufficient sleep, you are powerless to escape the web of bad decks and advice. Believe me, this makes for a bad, bad day of cards.
5: Please complain about my 3 Duress
plays or your mana screw. A little bit is okay of course, but there is a thin line between tough break and me breaking your neck (you sore loser). Everyone gets a God draw sometimes, even someone who ISN’T YOU! Complain to your friends - not me. I just don't care. A win is a win, and you are a loser.
|Set: Urza's Saga|
Artist: Lawrence Snelly
Text: Look at target opponent's hand and choose a noncreature, nonland card there. That player discards that card.
4: Bring your girlfriend to the tournament. I think it's great you are in love, but this is a magic tournament not a nightclub. Just think how she feels, having to watch you play geeky, smelly magic players all day that where tight shirts that say “I love the Darkside´´ and ´´Pornstar 69´´. Wait until after the tournament and take her out somewhere nice like Burger King or Taco Bell.
3: Never brush your teeth or pop a breath mint. Stinky breath is not a crime but it damn well should be. It's bad enough I have to play against you, but I really don't want to be burned up by your stank breath. So take it from Uncle Trav - pick up some Colgate so your breath doesn't counter my good mood.
2: Where a shirt that is by far to small for your body. Because me seeing your gut seep out of your shirt like the blob makes me want to go 0-2 drop. If you are a hot woman disregard number 2 and come see big Trav. I'll treat you right.
1: Neglect to shower or at least put on some deodorant. Deodorant is cheap and water is free. There is absolutely no excuse for your stank butt stinking up the room over a dollar. This happens way to often and should incur a game loss. From now on I'm bringing Speed Stick to the tournament. So if your cheap and stinky come see me, Travis Cullum, and I will hook you up.
So If I offended you in any way email me at Idontcare@youstink.com.
Until next time…
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