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Compleat My Ride - Luminarch Ascension - William Bloodworth (5/12/2011)

Greetings fleshling and welcome to Elesh Norn’s Compleatorium! We’re going to take your old, inferior, and quite frankly toothless rares and compleat them with the latest and greatest New Phyrexia has to offer!

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “My old cards already have plenty of teeth! They’re more than capable of holding their own in duels and they’re really fun in multiplayer!”

Well, you’re wrong. It’s okay; a lot of people don’t realize how incompleat they are. Look, let’s put your old cards through a simple test.

1. Does your card have sweet face-fins?
2. Does your card use less than a tube of toothpaste a day due to its insufficient number of mouths?
3. Is your card banned from daycare centers after events you simply refer to as “The Incident”?

If you answered “no” to any of these questions, then I’m afraid your card is just a waste of organic material. Don’t worry; we’re here to help!

I see you’ve brought a Luminarch Ascension
Luminarch Ascension
Luminarch AscensionSet: Zendikar
Cost:
2
Color:
White
Type:
Enchantment
Rarity:
R
Number:
25
Artist:
Michael Komarck
Text:
At the beginning of each opponent's end step, if you didn't lose life this turn, you may put a quest counter on Luminarch Ascension. (Damage causes loss of life.) {1}{W}: Put a 4/4 white Angel creature token with flying onto the battlefield. Activate this ability only if Luminarch Ascension has four or more quest counters on it.
with you. It’s a cute little divinity machine that rewards you with angelic hotel tokens if you can keep your face intact long enough to place four little green houses on it. Unfortunately, it’s been around since Zendikar came out and no one seems to be deploying legions of holy vengeance with any regularity. You’d think rampant infect alone would make it feasible, but you’ll be hugging your death bed by the time it’s online against a poison deck! Pathetic really, but all is not lost!

The key to turning this bombastic dud into a force that makes grandma cry is Phyrexian mana! I’m sure you’ve heard the saying “Gotta spend blood to make blood”, right? Well, if you haven’t, then let me know on the way out and I’ll hook you up with a pair of Loxodon ears at no extra charge. You can hear all kinds of things with those!

Right, right, the card is what you’re here for. Phyrexian mana offers you a lot of options. Sure, you wouldn’t normally think of spending life to avoid loss of life, but you’re just not thinking compleat enough! Luminarch Ascension
Luminarch Ascension
Luminarch AscensionSet: Zendikar
Cost:
2
Color:
White
Type:
Enchantment
Rarity:
R
Number:
25
Artist:
Michael Komarck
Text:
At the beginning of each opponent's end step, if you didn't lose life this turn, you may put a quest counter on Luminarch Ascension. (Damage causes loss of life.) {1}{W}: Put a 4/4 white Angel creature token with flying onto the battlefield. Activate this ability only if Luminarch Ascension has four or more quest counters on it.
doesn’t care what you do during your turn, so feel free to get bloody all over the thing! We encourage it, as a little blood lets your enemies know you mean business! More importantly, blood spent on your turn frees up mana for your opponent’s turn. We’re not in the business of preventing the bleeding, oh no, we’re in the business of blood management!

For instance, it’s turn 1. What’re you going to cast? Sorry
Sorry
SorrySet: Unglued
Cost:
2
Color:
Blue
Type:
Enchantment
Rarity:
U
Number:
27
Artist:
Kaja Foglio
Text:
Before playing any spell, if a copy of that spell card is in any graveyard, the spell's caster may say Sorry. If he or she does not, any other player may counter the spell by saying Sorry as it is cast.If any player says Sorry at any other time, Sorry deals 2 damage to that player.
, don’t care, I’m going to tell you what you’re going to cast! You’re going to cast Cathedral Membrane
Cathedral Membrane
Cathedral MembraneSet: New Phyrexia
Cost:
6
Color:
White
Type:
Artifact Creature
Sub Type:
Wall
Rarity:
U
Number:
5
Artist:
Richard Whitters
Power:
0
Toughness:
3
Text:
({(w/p)} can be paid with either {W} or 2 life.) Defender When Cathedral Membrane is put into a graveyard from the battlefield during combat, it deals 6 damage to each creature it blocked this combat.
! Go ahead and start the cutting on turn 1, it’ll clot by turn 2 and you’ll have yourself a pretty nice 0/3 wall to keep your face as pretty as it’s going to get for the early game. When you drop the ascension on turn 2, that poor sap is going to be stuck looking at a world of hurt if their creatures are even big enough to touch your membrane. Blammo! First counter on and you only had to cut yourself a little! This isn’t a game for babies, so save your crying for the mulligans.

That’s not all we’ve got, not by a long shot! See, if you check out the Phyrexian Blue department, we’ve got this pretty snazzy number called Mental Misstep
Mental Misstep
Mental MisstepSet: New Phyrexia
Cost:
5
Color:
Blue
Type:
Instant
Rarity:
U
Number:
38
Artist:
Erica Yang
Text:
({(u/p)} can be paid with either {U} or 2 life.) Counter target spell with converted mana cost 1.
. This baby shuts down 1-cost problems like a Blightsteel Colossus
Blightsteel Colossus
Blightsteel ColossusSet: Mirrodin Besieged
Cost:
12
Color:
Colorless
Type:
Artifact Creature
Sub Type:
Golem
Rarity:
M
Number:
99
Artist:
Chris Rahn
Power:
11
Toughness:
11
Text:
Trample, infect Blightsteel Colossus is indestructible. If Blightsteel Colossus would be put into a graveyard from anywhere, reveal Blightsteel Colossus and shuffle it into its owner's library instead.
running through a charity luncheon! You wanna pack this heat so you can take care of any turn 1 shenanigan that might otherwise cramp your style. Hasty goblins are annoying, offensive, and quite honestly smell like Urabrask’s locker room, so you don’t want any of those running around and making the place less tolerable for decent folks like ourselves. Mental Misstep
Mental Misstep
Mental MisstepSet: New Phyrexia
Cost:
5
Color:
Blue
Type:
Instant
Rarity:
U
Number:
38
Artist:
Erica Yang
Text:
({(u/p)} can be paid with either {U} or 2 life.) Counter target spell with converted mana cost 1.
also takes care of those annoying Lightning Bolt
Lightning Bolt
Lightning BoltSet: Revised Edition
Cost:
1
Color:
Red
Type:
Instant
Rarity:
C
Artist:
Christopher Rush
Text:
Lightning Bolt does 3 damage to one target.
s that have a tendency to sprout up whenever your opponent looks beyond your organic shortcomings and envies your ability to dress yourself. At only a single Phyrexian Blue, you can even throw a Mental Misstep
Mental Misstep
Mental MisstepSet: New Phyrexia
Cost:
5
Color:
Blue
Type:
Instant
Rarity:
U
Number:
38
Artist:
Erica Yang
Text:
({(u/p)} can be paid with either {U} or 2 life.) Counter target spell with converted mana cost 1.
out on your opponent’s turn, as you’re probably going to have plenty of untapped land left from your earlier sanguine liberation.

So you’ve secured your early turns, but what next? Why, Dismember
Dismember
DismemberSet: New Phyrexia
Cost:
11
Color:
Black
Type:
Instant
Rarity:
U
Number:
57
Artist:
Terese Nielsen
Text:
({(b/p)} can be paid with either {B} or 2 life.) Target creature gets -5/-5 until end of turn.
! Oh, there you are making that face again. Sure it’s going to cost you a literal arm or a leg in your white/blue deck, but what do you care? It’s 1 colorless for a near-guaranteed kill shot! Isn’t it worth hopping on one foot for the rest of your life if it’s on your own terms? You bet it is! As usual, you just throw this baby down on your turn to get rid of the big problems and leave your lands open for Mana Leak
Mana Leak
Mana LeakSet: Stronghold
Cost:
2
Color:
Blue
Type:
Instant
Rarity:
C
Number:
36
Artist:
Christopher Rush
Text:
Counter target spell unless its caster pays an additional 3.
, Turn Aside
Turn Aside
Turn AsideSet: Scars of Mirrodin
Cost:
1
Color:
Blue
Type:
Instant
Rarity:
C
Number:
49
Artist:
Shelly Wan
Text:
Counter target spell that targets a permanent you control.
, and VmFwb3IgSnag
Snag
SnagSet: Prophecy
Cost:
4
Color:
Green
Type:
Instant
Rarity:
U
Number:
124
Artist:
Ron Spencer
Text:
You may discard a forest from your hand instead of paying Snag's mana cost. Prevent all combat damage that would be dealt by unblocked creatures this turn.
!

Having trouble getting that last counter down on your Luminarch Ascension
Luminarch Ascension
Luminarch AscensionSet: Zendikar
Cost:
2
Color:
White
Type:
Enchantment
Rarity:
R
Number:
25
Artist:
Michael Komarck
Text:
At the beginning of each opponent's end step, if you didn't lose life this turn, you may put a quest counter on Luminarch Ascension. (Damage causes loss of life.) {1}{W}: Put a 4/4 white Angel creature token with flying onto the battlefield. Activate this ability only if Luminarch Ascension has four or more quest counters on it.
? Somehow taking damage despite all of your preparations? Well, maybe you’re playing it too safe! Control isn’t a wussy man’s game and sometimes you have to take a chance. Check out Tezzeret’s Gambit, for instance! That guy knows how to lay down an arm or two of collateral and what does it get him? Two cards and another quest counter! Just look at your right arm! Sure, it’s fine for wimps who don’t like drawing cards, but that’s not you! You’re the kind of person who’s willing to throw down three mana on turn five and draw that Mana Leak
Mana Leak
Mana LeakSet: Stronghold
Cost:
2
Color:
Blue
Type:
Instant
Rarity:
C
Number:
36
Artist:
Christopher Rush
Text:
Counter target spell unless its caster pays an additional 3.
you’ve been looking for all game! Besides, now that you’ve got one arm, you can buy gloves half off! You should be paying us to lop that thing off for you!

One of the best ways to spend all of this excess mana, however, comes from our best-selling Contagion Clasp
Contagion Clasp
Contagion ClaspSet: Scars of Mirrodin
Cost:
2
Color:
Colorless
Type:
Artifact
Rarity:
U
Number:
144
Artist:
Anthony Palumbo
Text:
When Contagion Clasp enters the battlefield, put a -1/-1 counter on target creature. {4}, {T}: Proliferate. (You choose any number of permanents and/or players with counters on them, then give each another counter of a kind already there.)
! You may remember it as the Christmas 2010 hit that destroyed your little sister. Sad, I know, but don’t worry! We used her to make this one right here! It’s the best of both worlds! See, you can cast it with some extra mana whenever you see something you want smaller. Easy enough, but here’s the sweet spot: you can free up all of that extra mana to proliferate your Luminarch Ascension
Luminarch Ascension
Luminarch AscensionSet: Zendikar
Cost:
2
Color:
White
Type:
Enchantment
Rarity:
R
Number:
25
Artist:
Michael Komarck
Text:
At the beginning of each opponent's end step, if you didn't lose life this turn, you may put a quest counter on Luminarch Ascension. (Damage causes loss of life.) {1}{W}: Put a 4/4 white Angel creature token with flying onto the battlefield. Activate this ability only if Luminarch Ascension has four or more quest counters on it.
straight into angel country! That’s right! Your little sister’s compleation is going to get you a bunch of shiny new angels! Ah, the family that stays together…

It’s beautiful, really, the way Luminarch Ascension
Luminarch Ascension
Luminarch AscensionSet: Zendikar
Cost:
2
Color:
White
Type:
Enchantment
Rarity:
R
Number:
25
Artist:
Michael Komarck
Text:
At the beginning of each opponent's end step, if you didn't lose life this turn, you may put a quest counter on Luminarch Ascension. (Damage causes loss of life.) {1}{W}: Put a 4/4 white Angel creature token with flying onto the battlefield. Activate this ability only if Luminarch Ascension has four or more quest counters on it.
fits into the Orthodoxy. Sure, the angels are a bit crude looking compared to our glorious chancellor, but we can clean them up a bit once you start pumping them out! You see, the Phyrexian mana even resolves that little annoyance of not having enough mana lying around to keep playing cards while your divine host brings democracy to your opponent’s face.

So, how about it? Willing to take Phyrexian mana for a spin? Just sign here and try your best to ignore my assistant’s needle sliding into the back of your neck. I’m not going to lie, it hurts a lot!


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