2001)

[Disclaimer: while we are more than willing to present Ms. Harpy’s views on her constructed-worthiness, please keep in mind that she is a foul creature summoned into this world by a combination of blue and black mana, a color combination known for illusion, trickery, and deception. Remember, you can’t always believe everything you read.]

Hello, Magic players! It’s me – Cavern Harpy. You know, that card that you love to open in your Invasion-block sealed decks but that you leave abandoned and lonely in your crap-commons shoebox when constructed season rolls around. Well, ladies and gentlemen, I’m here to set the record straight. I appreciate all the respect you’ve given me in the limited formats, but it’s time the Magic-playing community realized the complete truth: I, Cavern Harpy, am a constructed-worthy card!

Like any young Magic card soon to be released, I was hopeful but nervous as the Planeshift Pre-Release approached. Would the players like me? Would they think my casting cost was fair? I hope my artwork’s not too flashy, or too plain. What would I do if nobody liked me? Would I be doomed to living out my days filling space in some test-deck with “Urza’s Rage” written across my face in thick black marker? I didn’t think I could handle that. I HAD to make a good first impression – and that’s just what I did. When the Planeshift Pre-Release finally arrived, I was a big hit! Players were happily putting me on their decklists, and I was performing all my best tricks for them: bouncing critters with comes-into-play effects, blocking Legendary Dragons and returning to tell the tale. I was a superstar! My Magic future was so bright, I had to wear shades.

Then the official Planeshift release came, and for some reason, nobody put me into their constructed decks right away. Well, ok, I was the 127th card in little Billy’s “Every Blue and Black Flyer That I Own” deck, but who’s really counting that? A couple of days passed, and still, nobody was putting me in their constructed decks. Days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months… Hello? Doesn’t anybody remember me, Cavern Harpy? Don’t you people remember what I did for your sealed and draft decks?!?!

I tried to remain positive, but this kind of attention-deficit can really work on a gal’s feelings of self-worth. I mean, sure, I had thought I would be a great card for constructed, but if that were true, why wasn’t anybody playing with me? Surely, if I were a real constructed card, there would have already been a 12-part “My Harpies” article by Zvi Mowshowitz on the Sideboard – not to mention that Michelle Bush hadn’t even *tried* to use me to combo someone out by the 4th turn in extended. By the time Apocalypse was released, I was absolutely begging to have some promising deckbuilder scrawl “Shivan Wurm” across my face just so I could get a few shuffles in before I ended my pitiful existence in the bottom of some trash can.

Then, one day, something amazing happened. I lay skulking in the depths of the crap-common box, not having seen the light of the outside world for what seemed an eternity, when suddenly, I beheld a great, blinding light! Was this the end – had the Invasion block finally rotated out of constructed play? Had I died, and was now witnessing the glorious shining gates of Heaven? Certainly, a pathetic, non-constructed-worthy card such as myself would not be allowed to pass through those pearly gates. I imagined Ernham Djinns and Savannah Lions confronting me at the gates, telling me that I did not belong with the likes of them. Oh no! Was I to be banned to Hell, with evil Memory Jar and evil Tolarian Academy? I certainly didn’t feel I deserved such a fate, but then again, who would have ever thought simple Dark Ritual deserved such a fate, either?

But the light I witnessed was not the shining gates of Heaven. It was the simple, beautiful light of the world outside of my dusty little shoebox! As it turned out, a scrub deckbuilder from Kalamazoo, Michigan was looking for a good way to abuse Mystic Snake in Invasion Block Constructed. I was going to be a part of something! As I lay on the table, I looked all around me at the constructed-worthy cards being gathered up for this exciting new decklist. There were cards like Gaea’s Skyfolk, and Spite Malice, and Undermine! I’ve heard great things about Undermine, about how it counters spells and causes life-loss, all for an efficient three mana. I was definitely a big fan, and now I was going to be working along with him!

As that deckbuilder brought out his big black marker for proxy-making, I was giddy with excitement. What exciting card’s role would I get to play? Maybe he’d make me into a Jade Leech, or maybe even the Mystic Snake himself. Maybe he would even make me into a Dragon Legend! Did I dare dream such lofty dreams? My heart raced as that deckbuilder carelessly scribbled the words “Pernicious Deed” – certainly a very strong card! – but he had scribbled it on a Benalish Lancer, not on me! What was I to become? I couldn’t wait to find out the answer. As the mighty proxy-pen descended again, the awe-inspiring title of “Spiritmonger” was bestowed upon….a Barrin’s Unmaking. Again and again the proxy-pen came down, scrawling out powerful phrases like “Yavimaya Coast” and “Mystic Snake”, but never descending upon my face. Finally, the deckbuilder put his proxy-pen down, and began inserting his deck into dirty old worn-out deck sleeves. I thought, “Wait a minute, you haven’t written anything on me yet. What am I going to be? Aren’t you going to use me as a proxy in your amazing new deck?”

And then, I was sleeved.

No proxy title was written across my face. I, Cavern Harpy, was put into an Invasion Block Constructed deck as….Cavern Harpy.

I am a constructed-worthy card!!!!!!!

I am AMAZING! I swoop over would-be blockers, smiting opposing mana-slingers for two hard points to the face! I make my deck-brothers stronger – returning Mystic Snake to his master’s hand to foil the opponent’s next feeble attempt at a spell, or bouncing a Gaea’s Skyfolk back to the safety of the master’s hand where no Rout will ever bother him while I continue the beatdown without missing a step. Hell, I ain’t afraid of no Rout! And can you think of any other card that can let you rescue your entire army before sweeping the board with a Pernicious Deed? Nobody does it like me, baby, cause Cavern Harpy’s one bad mama-jama. I am AMAZING!

Look out, IBC world, ‘cause I’m tricky, I’m mean, and I can’t be stopped! Cavern Harpy is coming to a tournament near you, and I’m ready to take this constructed world over!

Jungle Fever
By Dave Andrews

4:Urborg Elf
4:Nightscape Familiar
4:Gaea’s Skyfolk
2:Ebony Treefolk
3:Cavern Harpy
4:Mystic Snake
2:Spiritmonger
3:Pernicious Deed
4:Evasive Action
4:Undermine
2:Spite Malice
3:Swamp
5:Forest
6:Island
4:Salt Marsh
3:Llanowar Wastes
3:Yavimaya Coast

Sideboard:
4:Penumbra Bobcat
1:Pernicious Deed
2:Lobotomy
4:Jungle Barrier
4:Blurred Mongoose

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